I'm Not O-Fucking-Kay (Frerard)

[Chapter 5]

I'm Not O-Fucking-Kay

GERARD.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! What on Earth possessed me to go through with that? I cannot believe I actually done that! Why would I do that?

I have known the guy not even a day and I kiss him?! Without even knowing whether he liked me back in that way, whether he was with someone else, or if he was gay or not. And I kissed him?

What the Hell was I thinking? I was able to kiss Frank after knowing him for a few hours yet I couldn't even kiss Tom for a few days when we were together, doesn't that say something?

I was in a relationship with a guy, I thought what we had was 'true love', but I couldn't even kiss the boy for the first few days of our relationship? And I held out the non-sexual contact thing for about a year and half? I kissed him! Why?

Frank is a teacher! What if someone saw I done that? What if someone walked in at the wrong time and they told another member of staff, and Frank got in trouble for me being a stupid idiot?

I really didn't think it through at all. What if he did have a daughter or son with a beautiful wife, and he got put into prison for being with me? I was underage and a Goddamn student, no one was going to take that accusation lightly.

Why didn't Frank hate me for what I done? I could have ruined everything for him, I could've made him lose his job, go to prison, make him have a permanent record for being with minors, I could've made him lose his wife and family because of this, yet he couldn't find it within himself to hate me.

Unless Frank did actually hate me and he just lied for me so I didn't feel even worse than I did before.

Oh God, why am I such a loser?

I went through my bag and got my keys out of the zipper to open up my locker, rushing because I could hear a small group of people coming up the stairs even from where I was standing and I did not want anything to do with it.

Grabbing my maths textbook and art book, I threw my other books in and locked my locker, putting away my stuff before heading in the opposite direction of the noise, hoping I wouldn't see anyone going this way.

Where was I supposed to head now? I didn't have any boyfriend to sit with anymore, I don't think my old friends would appreciate me turning up out of the blue to sit with them again. Sitting in the classroom was safe, but after the stupidity I done, I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon.

I got down the stairs and headed left and past the study area and into the boys toilets next to it. I saw two others in here but I didn't know them and they didn't find a reason to stop me, until I heard what they whispered to each other, "That's the guy."

"He's the one that got exposed?" The other boy's eyes landed on me and widened as he inspected me up and down but I ignored that and walked straight into the nearest empty cubicle, slamming it purposefully and locking it.

It hasn't even been a whole day of this staring and whispering thing and I was going to burst into tears.

I was used to a bit of staring because I knew I was a loser, but when nearly everyone I saw along the hallways stopped and stared, it fucking hurt me to no end and I just... Wanted it to stop.

My thoughts then began to start wandering to something I thought had given up for good, something I didn't want to go back to because I thought I was completely done with that... But then again, how do you ever know you have fully recovered?

I couldn't. Not again, I had to learn how to control the emotions. Or at the least push them aside. Now, I would prefer to just rid myself of all emotions, good and bad and just become this stoic plank of wood. Wouldn't that be easier?

If I was, I wouldn't have tried it on with Frank, Frank wouldn't even had paid an extra second on me. Everyone would see that I didn't give a crap and would just leave me alone. I know most of them are doing what they do to get reactions out of me.

I wanted a distraction, to get my mind off of all that was happening so I didn't rev myself up for things to do when I got home and I was alone in my room. I grabbed out my notepad out and started scribbling out lyrics.

"Oh, well, now,

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,

Mama, we're all gonna die."

I thought about it for a moment, tapping out a little rhythm on my lap as I stared up at the ceiling. Whilst I was wondering whether they were half decent lyrics with one part of my brain, another part was focussing on more lyrics for the song, and another part of my brain was focussed solely for the thoughts of Frank.

Was it okay for me to keep calling him Frank instead of Mr. Iero now that I actually knew his name was Frank? Was that too weird? I liked the name Frank, I sticking with it.

Whilst I continued pondering over al three of my situations, I went through my bag and pulled out my ear phones, connecting them to my phone and started playing some music on shuffle, only half paying attention to what was playing. Once finished with that task, I hitched my legs up so I was sitting on the toilet cross legged.

Was it weird that I was spending the rest of my lunch in a toilet cubicle?

Yeah, very much so. But I didn't care anymore.

What dignity did I have left to protect? The last of it disintegrated when Frank rejected my kiss, so what did I have to defend?

I was already giving up.

Sighing, I leaned back enough so my head was resting against something and I let my eyes close but opened them again when I heard someone singing in the cubicle next to me, "Shit just got real, yeah I'm sitting on the toilet. 'Bout to flush it down into the sewer mm, you know it."

I let out a quiet laugh as I heard this guy proceed to flush the toilet and pull his pants up, I assume. I scrambled to get all of my stuff back into my bag and pulled my ear buds out and let them hang around my neck as I pretended to flush and escape the toilet.

As I got out of my own toilet, the boy that sings walked out too, hair just about long enough for him to put into a ski slope and nerdy glasses to hide his eyes. He looked at me as I looked at him and I recognised him as the kid that smiled at me in the hallway whilst everyone stared.

"Hi." He smiled, walking to the big sinks in the middle of the room and hesitating for a momen before using his elbow to press the button for water, "Uh... Hi...?" I muttered back, pushing my sleeves up slightly as I hit the other tap's button for water.

I lathered my hands in soap, trying to make it look like I was fully focussed and content with washing my hands, "I know this is soon, but what's the deal with everyone? You know, the staring and whispers. It must be horrible."

The boy didn't move from the sink, jut kept cleansing his hands, he didn't even look at me, "I'd prefer not to talk about that, really. Sorry." He finally looked at me and offered up a huge smile, "Don't worry about it, maybe some other time? What class do you have now?"

"Art, you?" I was thankful that this stranger had decided to completely drip the subject but wanted to continue the conversation, "Same, wanna go together? I'm Brendon by the way." I nodded and gave my name back to Brendon.

And that, is how I made a new friend in the boy's toilets.