Dressed In Black

An absolute mess

The interviews went well, if not for the tension between two of us. We were both good at hiding what was going on for the camera, we had to be. There'd been times before where we'd been at odds with each other, but on camera everything's normal. And in an investigation, there's no room for any of that. If you don't have a clear mind, you're opening yourself up to all kinds of bad shit.

The van ride back to the hotel was agonizing. All I wanted to do was be alone, or better even, be with Zak. I was upset and hurting and scared, and being in a car with the others was making me feel anxious and suffocated. I loved them all, I truly did, but right now I just couldn't do it. There was too much on my mind.

Aaron had been eyeing me for the better part of the ride, until I gave him a dirty look and he apologized. I felt bad being so bitchy, but I would apologize to him later. Right then wasn't the time. I could see him texting, and Zak's name popping up at the top of his screen. I wondered what they were talking about, but chalked it up to a lost cause. Probably something about the investigation.

Zak had been giving me looks as well, but those I didn't get mad at-- they upset me. The way he looked at me with confusion and genuine hurt didn't make anything better.

When we got back to the hotel, I excused myself immediately and set off to my room, leaving the others to go and eat. I didn't expect Zak to come with me, but he followed.

"Go eat, I'll be fine until you come back. We can talk then."

"You're a wreck, Allison. Everyone can see it, and I won't let you lock yourself up to be sick and upset alone. I want to help. Even if you don't want it, at least let me apologize to you."

"Okay." I walked to my room with Zak by my side, both of us in silence. I held my breath as I opened up the door. Opening this was opening my mouth. Saying things I didn't want to say, or know how to.

Zak closed the door behind him and followed me to sit on the bed.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you last night. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, and I'm sure there was a better way for me to explain rather than shutting you out. You know how I am sometimes."

"A dick?"

"Guess I deserve that one. Alli, I'm not seeing Kelley anymore; I'm not seeing anyone. I wouldn't lie to you, of all people, about that."

"Then why was she texting you so much?" Damn I had to calm down. You're not together. I reminded myself.

"It's complicated."

"Can't be too complicated. If you;re going to apologize, at least do it right, huh?" I hadn;t looked up from the floor yet. He groaned.

"She's been threatening me. Trying to post personal things about me, some of them true and some of them not. Me and my assistant are trying to be damage control, trying to figure out how to keep this down." I looked to him, and saw how much he had been wrestling with this.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm such an asshole." I buried my face in my hands out of embarrassment. He put an arm around me

"How would you have known?"

"Even if I didn't, I shouldn't have assumed. I thought things were going to be okay between you two?"

"So did I. But I guess that's the price we pay sometimes."

"Yeah."

He put his hand on my knee.

"That's not important right now. What's going on with you? All day you've been an absolute mess--" i shot him a look. "--Sorry. But you have. I know last night can't be the only thing that's bothering you."

"I'm just not feeling well." I shrugged, trying to be unassuming.

"I know, I can see it. But I know you're not just sick, you're a bad liar Mary Allison. What's going on? Do you need to see someone?" I took a deep breath before I started.

"I just... everything with you is so complicated. I'm so deep in it with you and I don't want everything to always have to be so secretive. I don't want to have to worry that I'll do something wrong in front of the guys. I don't want to worry that I'm going to lose you, even though that's stupid because I don't have you. And... and I don't... I can't...."

"What?" His tone was plagued with worry for me. Oh god there was no turning back with this one.

"I think I'm pregnant." I blurted out.

I chastised myself for it immediately. That wasn't exactly the smoothest way to put that out there. He looked like he was in shock, obviously taken aback, and didn't quite know how to respond.

"Mine?" was all he could muster. I shook my head and a tear fell.

"Danny's. If I am."

"Oh."

"Yeah." I played with my hands in my lap. Waiting for him to say something, anything, other than oh.