Dressed In Black

Reflection

The next morning I woke to a pounding headache and a profound sensitivity to the light streaming through the open window curtains. I tried to turn and bury myself into the pillow beside me, but jumped back when my head hit a warm body. Ben.

I looked down at my body quickly to make sure I was still clothed. Everything looked fine, and I don't think anything went down but the night before was entirely gone from my memory. My breath tasted of cigarettes and vomit and I smelled pretty awful. I sat up slowly, trying not to wake my new friend, the stranger that he was, and inched out of the bed.

My plans to be quiet were ruined when I tripped and fell.

"Shit!" I yelled as I went down, narrowly missing a table with my head. Ben shot up and yelled in fright.

"Shit sorry, you scared me." His hand went to cradle his head.

"Do you feel as bad as I do?" He asked, hesitantly opening his eyes and shielding them from the sun. I nodded as I picked myself up off of the floor.

"Why do we--" I stopped and gasped, falling back into a chair as I realized what I'd tripped over.

A pair of shot glasses and an empty whiskey bottle haphazardly strewn about the floor shined back at me, mocking me with their presence.

"You don't remember? You were taking shots like nobody I've ever seen."

"Sh." I hissed at him and put my head in my hands, realizing what I'd done.

"That bad?" He asked. He didn't know. He wouldn't know.

"Um. Yeah. I'm going to shower, sorry."

"S'fine." He mumbled as he covered himself back up and decided to go to sleep.

Why was he even here?

I hurried into the bathroom and turned the shower on, but sank down to the floor soon after. 12 years. 12 years gone.
What had I done?

---

Zak's POV

It was a cold night without her beside me. I found myself reaching for her many times in the middle of the night and then realizing why she wasn't there, getting upset all over again.

I wasn't used to being in relationships like that. I hadn't had anything serious with anyone in an incredibly long time, and maybe this was why. Because when I loved, I got hurt, and goddamn did I love her.

When I woke up in the morning, I sighed seeing her side of the bed empty. I was used to seeing her pretty brown hair tangled and messy, her body curled up into a ball, a peaceful smile plastered on her lips. Curling into me when I stirred, nudging my arm for me to put it around her and drifting back off. I shook my head in anger and got up, setting off to the shower to wash the sleep and the day before down the drain. A text rolled in as I checked my phone for the first time that morning.

I love you. I'm sorry. -A

I wiped my hand down my face and swiped the message away. I was so angry with her. I had gone to apologize, to bring her home and set things right, only to find out that she didn't trust me at all. So much so that she sought some kind of revenge that quickly. How long had she thought that I wasn't trying for her? That I wasn't going to bust my ass to be someone she'd be proud to be with?

To be fair, nothing would have happened if I hadn't let Kelley in the house. I still didn't really know why I'd done it. But what came of it was a much bigger issue, the issue of trust between her and I. I'd have thought that for as long as we'd known each other we'd trusted one another more than anyone else. And maybe that was true. But when we got together, somehow that broke down. And it sucked.

We had to leave for lockdown in a few days, and as far as I knew Allison was still slated to ride with Bacon and I rather than take a plane, as the others had taken to doing recently. I knew that that was sure to be a shitshow. I could be a stubborn asshole, but she was a firecracker when she was riled up. One of the things I loved about her-- not afraid to stand her ground.

I ran a towel through my hair as I got out of the shower. I didn't know what the day had in store for me, but I needed to keep my mind off of her or I was going to lose it. She was upset, I was upset, and it was just going to end in a screaming match between us, something I surely didn't want to start.

___

Allison's POV

I love you. I'm sorry. -A

I penned and sent the text to him before I had any more time to think about it. I was still angry, but more than anything upset-- with him, yes, but myself much much more.

For one, I'd let the man that I loved-- love-- believe that I didn't trust him for a second, when in fact was that I would trust him with my life. My hesitation the night before, when he asked, was unfair. It undermined a lot of our relationship, professional, in friendship, and as lovers. It wasn't fair, especially with my own behavior. I shouldn't have let something so small as an insignificant ex's intrusion waver the way that I felt, how content and safe I felt when I was with him, like I didn't feel and had never felt with anyone else.

On top of that, I'd apparently gotten myself into destructive behaviors that were too fuzzy to remember. I was still sat on the bathroom floor with the shower running, a virtual stranger still holed up in my hotel room. He was nice enough, but it was a poor decision on my part to invite him over. I didn't know how many shots I took, but one was too many to begin with. I shouldn't have done it at all-- sobriety was down the shitter and I could already feel the all to familiar and self-sabotaging urges taking over my mind and body once again. Everything that I had worked for was gone, because I had to go and be so stupid. Zak would be disappointed in me.

I took a deep breath and picked myself up off of the floor for the second time that morning, disappointed that my text had been read and not responded to, though not surprised. I needed to get ready and find somewhere to go. Staying at the hotel on the strip near so many readily available bars wasn't an option. I needed somewhere remote, or at least more remote than my current location, if I was going to win. A few days from then we had to leave for lockdown, but I tried not to think about it too much. Because that meant seeing him, seeing the hurt I'd caused, most likely starting arguments between us. We were both too stubborn to admit the other was right.

I sighed. A battle was ahead of me, and I was in no way prepared.