Dressed In Black

Atonement

Alli wasn't in bed with me when I woke up the next morning, but the bathroom door was closed and I could hear water trickling--she was in the bath. Which I knew meant that she felt like shit.

I sighed as I got up and knocked on the door, but she didn't answer. Once more. No answer.

I gulped knowing how rough things had been for her lately and her past relationship with depression. I felt my stomach turn as I thought about what might be behind that door. The pale stiff body of someone I held so dear, gone from me. I was starting to psych myself out. Worried, I turned the knob and slowly opened the door, a little scared of what I might see.

But she was fine. She was sat in the bath, blankly staring at the water, knees to her chest and hair tied at the top of her head. Her pale skin glared at me as I noticed how frail she looked.

"Als." I said quietly, trying not to startle her. She turned her head toward me after a quick jump, despite my efforts.

"Oh. Hey." She half smiled but looked back away from me. Her eyes were dull and sad, and I could see how absolutely and completely exhausted she was.

"Sorry for coming in, I knocked and you didn't answer and I... I worry about you, you know."

"Yeah sorry I'm just," she tapped her temple, "in here." I nodded in understanding and walked over to sit on the edge of the tub. I rubbed her back with the palm of my hand, something that we used to do for each other when times were rough. She shook her head.

"Sorry." I slowly withdrew my hand, feeling the sting of the words she didn't say. "What's going on in there?" I asked, lightly tapping her temple, mimicking the motion she'd done moments earlier.

"Honestly? I'm thinking about how awfully I embarrassed myself last night. I shouldn't have had you see me like that."

"You didn't do anything, it's okay." I tried to assure her. She shook her head again, trying her hardest not to look at me at all.

"It's...not. Um... I'll talk when I'm done, yeah?" By the sound of her voice I could tell that she was tearing up; I felt like a dick for making her cry yet again. I slowly got up to let her be alone.

"Okay. I'd like that." I left room feeling a little shittier than I already. The woman I loved was suffering and I was the cause of at least some of it.She didn't have to be so embarrassed, I was more than happy to take care of her; I knew she needed me. But I also understood how she might be feeling, and i had to give her the space that she wanted.

I went downstairs so that she would have some time to sort herself out before talking to me. It would be the first real talk that we would have since the argument itself. Everything since had been a series of small blowups or passive aggressive snark-- I was set to put an end to it. I missed that woman more than I could have ever imagined missing anyone-- I needed to just apologize and swallow my pride. After Aaron had confronted me things were a lot clearer-- I could see why she got so upset, and how unfair I had been about the entire situation, and I decided the night previous that there was no way that I was losing her. Not over a misunderstanding like that. I wasn't losing my chance to be happy with her.

Alli quietly made her way into the living room a little while later, her damp hair still bundled at the top of her head. As I saw her walk in, I turned off the television and turned my attention to her.

"Hey." She said, her throat a bit raspy, pulling down on her sleeves uncomfortably.

"Hey." I responded, scooting over to one side of the couch and patting the other for her to join me. She nodded and walked over- I didn't miss the gulp and quiet anxiety exuding from her body.