Dressed In Black

Tape

I took a deep breath as I pulled into Zak's driveway. I hadn't been back since I stomped off a few nights previous, buying new clothes as opposed to getting my own from the house. I'd deal with that at another time, when things weren't so tense between us. If.

I'd been dealing with headaches and fighting my brain for days. I was exhausted and irritable and I'm sure that I looked it. I loved my job but it could be taxing sometimes, and as much as I was looking forward to going back to work, I was in a horrible mood.

My alcohol addiction had worked its way back into my life after so long because of a one night barrage of stupid decisions. I hadn't managed to entirely avoid it like I'd wanted to since, but I was trying. I hadn't talked to Ben since he left the next morning, either.  He'd reached out but  I had to delete his number-- I was stupid to call him over.

I heard a knock on my window and jumped out of my head to see a smiling Bacon. He popped open the door and I climbed out, smiling. He was a goof, and a goof was what I needed.

"Where have you been? Trust me, I'm glad I didn't walk in on you two, but I figured it might happen." He laughed and lightly chucked my shoulder. I forced a half smile.

Actually Zak and I hadn't touched, let alone talked, in days.

Not since I texted him that I loved him.

"I was out." I answered, trying to quickly change the subject. While Zak and I weren't together, it wasn't something I wanted to discuss with our whole team yet. Or at least not right now, when I could feel Zak's eyes boring into the back of my head. I was surprised that he himself hadn't mentioned it to Bacon.

"Let me grab a few things, then we can go." I said, ducking past Zak and letting myself in the house.

Everything was how it was when I left, with the exception of the fact that Gracie wasn't home (someone had to dogsit when we were away) and my stuff was shifted all around in our-- his-- room, like he'd been rummaging through. It broke my heart.

I tried to keep the tears in as I grabbed a suitcase and started packing up some clothes. Black everything for filming and lockdown, and some more black for my daily life. I snuck one of Zak's worn shirts and packed it away too-- maybe it would help me sleep if I had something of his. I hoped so. Sleep had been hard to come by.

"Can you hurry?" I heard a deep voice from behind me as I hurriedly closed my bag. I shook my head.

"I'm done. Calm down." I said, standing and grabbing the case. It was a little heavy for me, but there was no way in hell I was about to ask him to help me with it. I lifted it slightly off the ground and began dragging it but when I got to the steps I sighed in defeat... there was no way I was going to get it down without banging it on every last stair. I tried to puzzle it out when I was interrupted by the case being ripped from my hands.

"For fuck's sake." Zak growled, deftly picking up the case and walking down the stairs ahead of me. I crossed my arms and tried not to pout too hard as I followed.

I followed Zak into the RV with Bacon behind me, and immediately walked back to the bed. All I wanted to do was fucking cry. I knew trying to work was going to be hard-- I knew that-- but it was so much harder than I thought, and his harsh words hurt more than I could've imagined they would.

I shut the pocket door and curled up, gripping my sides, and tried to cry as silently as possible. It was only a few seconds before I was no longer alone.

"You're being ridiculous. It happened and it's done with." I heard his voice as he came in and shut the door behind him.

"I don't want to talk to you." I said, turning away. He huffed and layed down on the bed next to me. I turned my head toward him and made a face.

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping. I'm tired too, Allison." He answered, seemingly annoyed that if have the audacity to ask.

"Oh." He turned to his side, back to mine, not touching me at all. It almost hurt more to have him here, just out of reach, just out of touch. I tried to force sleep rather than lay there in emotional purgatory.

I woke up to my hands being moved, and was about to freak out before I realized that it was just Zak.

"What?" I croaked, still half-asleep.
"Your thumbs. They're bleeding." He got up and shook his head, leaving the room. I tasted iron in my mouth and realized that I must have been gnawing my nailbeds in my sleep. He came back in soon with some gauze and electrical tape.

"This is all we have. Sorry."

"S'fine. Thanks." I stuck my thumbs out toward him and he started wrapping, focusing intently.

"Zak..." I pleaded.

"No, Alli. Not right now." He gruffly responded. I shut down and nodded-- that was that, then. When he had finished with my fingers he got up and left without a word.

I sighed looking at my taped up thumbs; even asleep I couldn't stop thinking and my habit was seemingly getting worse and worse.

All I wanted to do was talk to him. Tell him how I felt. That I was sorry, but he had to understand why I acted the way that I did in the first place. That I needed him. That thinking about not having him threw me back into a pit of addiction that I'd escaped long ago. But he was stubborn and so was I, so maybe that talk would never come. Maybe this was just how things were going to be. Maybe we were never meant to be in the first place, and trying anything was a stupid, stupid mistake.

With that, I flung myself back onto the bed. I wasn't about to go out with the other two and sit in either a) awkwardness or b) rudeness for the rest of the drive, so I might as well just stay secluded. I'd roll with the punches as they came. And lord knows as soon as the cameras were on, it was going to be rough-- hiding emotions and brain battles was hard enough without people filming. Let alone dealing with intangible entities.

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