A love song

I will never let you know

W: "I can't sleep." he texted me later that night.

N: "Me neither."

W: "Walk?"

N: "Meet you in the lobby in 10."

W: " ;) "

It was 1:30 AM and after walking for half an hour and our only exchange of words being about the last signs of summer in the Roman air. He suddenly said...

W: Why did you ask me about my engagement earlier?

N: I just... I don't understand it.

W: Why do you need to understand it?

N: I don't of course... I just - 

He cut me off

W: I mean if you're not working or writing a piece about my private life I don't see why it's important to you.

N: It's not. I was just curious. I read the piece and was surprised that's all.

W: Okay.

This was not going as planned. He is onto me. Shit. But if I am sure about my truth why don't I just give him that? It was easier said than done. I have to protect myself. But maybe I could give him something see if he'll open up.

N: Did you know Aksel and I aren't seeing each other anymore?

W: - he just kept on walking, not looking at me - No. I didn't know that. - said uninterested - 

N: We just decided it was for the best. It was never going to work. I mean our heads were in different places. - I was babbling

W: - smirked a bit cocky - Yeah. - turned to face me and stopped - Look Noora, I don't want to do this anymore. - I could sense he was annoyed.

N: Do what?

W: This constant limbo with you. 

N: Okay... I am not following - I was very much following, but for some reason, I wanted to hear the words come from him. Truthfully a part of me doesn't believe him. It was always the same with us. Back and forth. More than half a decade later nothing had changed. 

W: I mean... I love you... you know that but... maybe that's just not enough anymore. Maybe we had our time.

Silence. My jaw dropped. I can't believe the words are actually coming out of his mouth. My worst fear, being rejected by HIM, coming true. My chest started knitting up. What does that mean? He has had enough? We had our time? Wtf?

N: What are you saying?

W: - he breathed heavily - I have given this a great deal of thought the last months. What I want out of my life and where I want to be and... in a limbo with you is not on that list for sure. If we were to try again it needs to be for real. I would need a commitment from you, commitment that you'll stay. That you won't run off at the first bump, that we'll solve things together through thick and thin. But, honestly, I don't think you can give me that.

My chest was now seriously hurting. I wanted to rub my hand and massage the spot underneath my denim jacket where my heart used to be. My hands were sweating, I was breathing uncontrollably and I just wanted to sink to the pavement. This can't be happening. Is he letting me go?

N: Why do you say that? - I said in a childish hopeless voice, the only one I could find within me now.

W: Well.. for once history AND second just three months ago, after we slept together after months of waiting and longing for one another, you just got up and left. Without a single word or explanation. You walked away. I mean do you know what that felt like? How much that hurt? And to make the situation even worse you couldn't even talk to me afterward. Not a single word. You just shut me out completely. Like I didn't exist like I didn't matter to you. And after so many years of love and friendship and everything in between you just shut the door right in my face.

- he took a pause to compose himself and said a little calmer -

W: I did that to people I didn't want to work with within the business world, but not to the person I love. And you did that to me, Noora.

I was silent. I really didn't know what to say after that. My God. I never saw it from his POV. Even after all these years I still had a hard time seeing things from his perspective. And I absolutely, when I screw things up, get lost in my own world and self-hate and analytics or whatever, and I forget how emotional he is and how much he loves me. How much I really can hurt him. How much power my love has over him.

My eyes have started to fill up and were spilling down my cheeks any second now.

N: I am sorry. I am so sorry William. – is all I manage to say

W: Me too. Because as we have stated so many times before, this is not some high school crush. It never was. It's real life and its love. And your actions have consequences. I mean I know I've been an asshole at times, believe me I know. I know I shouldn't have screwed things up so badly and let you go so easily after Charlotte's passing, that might have been my biggest mistake. And that's my cross to bear. But what happened in Oslo now in May that's your Noora.

Wow. That's why he was so closed down and distant earlier, why there was no more softness or spark or light in his eyes. I had switched off all the light.

We deserved a better ending but, rarely in life do you get what you deserve.