Maybe Then...

Chapter 18: if I hadn't been a liability

If I hadn't been a liability,

Maybe then, nobody would have ignored the obvious

to protect my feelings

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I sat with my feet propped up on the coffee table, listening to Dan's "feedback" on my performance and my little outburst yesterday. I sat there half attentively and took in the words he had to say.

"You need more practice--no! You need more dedication!"

I raised an eyebrow at him. I wasn't quite sure where he was going with this. "And how do you, oh great tutor, think I should do that?"

He paused for a second, then looked me straight in the eye and said, "quit your job." He had to be joking. But his serious tone and plain expression insisted otherwise.

"Are you kidding me?" I hissed. "I'm not going to quit my job just to practice more!"

"Seriously, Amelia, you're just like your mother," he scoffed. The way he said that as though it were something to be found humorous was enough to make anger course through my veins. I clenched my fists and my teeth grinded together at the disrespectful way that he mentioned my mother.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I challenged.

"It means," he said standing up from his seat, and I soon mirrored the action, "That just like your mother, everything have to be handed to you on a silver platter, or else it all might as well be thrown away!"

I was mad, I was so mad.

Everything went silent except my heavy breaths. I willed myself to stay composed, but my breaths ignored me and ran shallow, my chest heavied down with the weight of my temper.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like you know anything about her!" my tone was thick with warning.

His pale blue eyes narrowed, seemingly becoming a bolder, more vibrant color. "Oh, trust me," he laughed humorlessly, "I probably know more about her than you do."

"Shut up, Daniel!"

"And you seem to be no better than her, willing to give up everything just for a boy!"

"Shut up, Daniel!"

"No, but that is you!" he laughed. "You want other people to take on the consequences of your actions. You don't really care about music, do you? You just want to play some sort of game until you're bored, isn't that right?"

"That's not even close!"

"But that's close enough to home, isn't it? Some day, you're gonna give up on the band, and then your friends and family, just for some stupid boyfriend!"

"That's not true!" my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. 

"But it's bound to be true sooner or later. You are your mother's child after all," he mumbled the last part as though he'd been afraid to say it, but like he wanted to for a long time.

When I failed to answer him, instead staring in astonishment, he took the initiative to continue his rant.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Amelia," he said feigning sympathy. "Did I offend you by bringing up where you come from?"

I felt a lump forming in my throat. I didn't understand, why was he mad so at me?

"Okay, Daniel, I think that's enough," Dolan cut in.

Instead of it defusing the situation, though, it only made Daniel even angrier.

He three his hands up in the air in disbelief. "See? It's like I have to tip-toe around eggshells to avoid bringing up anything that has to do with where you come from!"

I could have sworn that I saw tears forming in his eyes, but if that were true, he refused to let a single one shed. Why would he be crying?

"What are you even talking about?" I asked dumbly.

"Seriously, Amelia, are you that blind? Everyone refuses to talk about it, because they want to act like it never happened. Everyone wants to ignore it because they think that if we ignore it for long enough, then we'll start to feel like your mother died in some tragic way, like from cancer or shit!"

"That is bullshit, and you know it!"

"Daniel, I think you need to stop now," Cooper urged.

"Why, so we can forget what really happened? Gosh, you guys don't even know!"

"Know what?" Kyle said slowly and cautiously.

"Daniel, stop it!" I felt tears threatening my eyes.

"Nobody wants to say the truth, nobody ever wants to talk about it! Because we don't want to remind Amelia that her mother was a whore that chose drugs over her!"

Those few words seemed to suck the life out of me. Because in retrospect, he was right. Nobody ever talked about it. Everyone seemed afraid to talk about it, and always treaded around the topic. But this wasn't how I wanted to have it brought up. This was utter humiliation, yet Daniel didn't find it so.

I stared at him in shock, unsure of what was the right way to respond. But my eyes responded for me instead, no matter how much I insisted them to do otherwise.

"You need to face the cold hard truth Amelia. Everybody wants to make you feel loved because they feel bad that your mother loved a good high more than you. And because of that, she was found dead in a crack house and you can't remember her. Everyone feels bad feels bad for you because of it," his voiced cracked a little at the end, and once again, he looked like he was holding back tears.

I, on the other hand, gave up on holding them back. Because sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can cut like knives.

I didn't stay around, though, to see of his own words hurt him, or if he even cried at all. Because I was done with that fight. Because I ran out of there and walked around, giving the words more time to sear into my skin. Because I just let the passing cars stare at me as they pleased as I cried uncontrolably. Because I felt fed up with that stupid amateur band.

I was fed up with that crap. I had better things I could get to. I had better things I could work on.

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Thank you so much for reading!

I felt like this was really a turning point for Amelia's story, and that it gave some insight to her history, what happened to her mother, and where she comes from, yet leaves an opening for where she's going.

Where do you think she's heading physically, mentally, emotionally, and relationshipwise?

What are your thoughts on this chapter, and on Daniel's gradual outburst?