Maybe Then...

Chapter 24: if I hadn't lost my cool

If I hadn't lost my cool, 

Maybe then, I wouldn't have scared Clarice

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Thirty minutes later, grandpa came home with fried rice, chow mien, and soon, inquiries as to why I had yelled at Clarice. He knocked on the outside of my door multiple times, telling me to let him in, and that he needed to talk to me. Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, I lie on my bed, nearly catatonic, hoping that this past week was all just a dream. 

 I had pulled myself up from my stupor when he knocked the fourth time around. I unlocked the door and opened it to see a frustrated, yet disappointed grandpa. I would have rather faced him being annoyed with me than the disappointment I saw spelled out in the creases on his forehead. I wanted to vomit, having so much guilt piled onto me like a dump truck unloading its collection of guilt for the day onto me, I didn't know how much more I could take. 

"Amelia, why did Clarice run up to me saying that Millie is mad at her?" 

I bit my lip. I couldn't bare to take on any more shame for the moment, so how could I bare to look in his eyes and tell him what happened? He would be so upset knowing what I didn't do, and there would only be trouble stirred up with Zeke, and grandpa might even lose a friend. It just felt like a selfish thing to do. 

So I told him the truth. At least part of what happened. "Zeke and I broke up, and I was just upset about it." I averted my eyes to the wall, "But that was no excuse to shout at her. She did nothing wrong."

He didn't say anything back, simply wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to his chest, close to his heart. 

I hugged him back, and although this was a comfortable time to cry, being held in the arms of a loved one, I couldn't find any tears to cry. I was drained, not only of tears to shed, but of emotions to feel. I felt so, so numb. 

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That night when I lie alone in my bed, free to punch my pillow, or cry as I please, I didn't. I didn't want to, and I couldn't process the emotions that I was feeling. I didn't know what I was feeling, and I didn't know what to think. What do you think when you've been violated? What should you think when trying to come to terms with what happened? Nobody else besides Zeke and me knew what happened, unless he told someone. To everyone else, such an incident never even happened, and never even existed as far as they knew. So if no one else knew, why should I have to act like it even happened? I didn't want to deal with any conflict or questioning, it would just make me even more upset. 

So as far as I was concerned, as long as no one knew, I wasn't going to talk about it. Such a problem didn't exist to them, therefore I did not speak about it. 

But what was I to do about my job? I never told grandpa, but if I told him that I had quit, he might suspect that it's over something more than a breakup. Or worse, he might make me ask to get my job back. I stayed up late trying to think of a loophole, a way out of this. 

Then I realized that I could just act like I still had my job. It isn't a lie, is it? He would just assume that I was just going to work a few times a week as usual, but I didn't have to tell him that I'd quit. But where would I go? I didn't want to just walk around town on my own. I hesitated, then settled on someone who just might let me use their place as a hideout until the end of Summer break. 

I reached my hand from under my covers onto my nightstand, feeling around for my phone, then unplugging it from the charger and sliding it back under the covers with my hand. I squinted at the brightness of the screen on my tired eyes. When my eyes adjusted to the light I went into my messages, then clicked into the conversation with the contact under the name stranger. 

Me: You up?

stranger: it's 11:00 at night, and you're asking an insomniac if he's up? 

Me: right, good point. 

stranger: so what do you need?  

Me: This is going to sound weird, so bare with me here

stranger: and that is???? 

Me: I may or may not need a place to crash at while my grandpa thinks I'm at work...for the rest of the summer. 

stranger: and you need to do that because? 

Me: Because it's hard to explain, and maybe I'll explain it to you later, but I just can't go to work, and I can't let my grandpa or family know. Capiche? 

stranger: can u at least give me some reason? 

Me: I really need your help here, so yes or no? 

stranger: why do i feel like im gonna regret this? 

Me: So yes? 

stranger: yes, but im hiding you. u can come over and we can hang out, but im not hiding a person. 

Me: you're the best :) 

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Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading this chapter. Hopefully the mood will pick up a little bit within the next chapters. <3 

Thoughts on this chapter? 

What do you think will happen next? 

Do you think that her grandpa will find out at some point in the story? Do you think that he or someone else might suspect something's happened? 

Do you think she'll tell someone about what happened? Do you think she'll keep it bottled in until she forgets it? Or will the bottled up feelings come out some day?