Maybe Then...

Chapter 29: when a single tear falls

When a single tear falls, 

Maybe then, I'll have to let it all out

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A couple of month's retirement was enough to make grandpa go stir crazy. He couldn't stand having such little responsibility, and figured that aunt Rose had probably enjoyed more than enough of his company. So when he heard that they were hiring downtown, he didn't hesitate to throw his application. He said that God gave him this chance because He knew he needed work, but secretly, I think that he'd been searching on Google everyday for places that were hiring. Regardless of how this opportunity came about, they were pleased by his experience and called him in for an interview that very Saturday. 

So he threw on some slacks and a nice shirt, bought a new belt, got out his dress shoes, and slicked his hair into a comb-over style. He stood at the entrance of my room, one of his arms leaning on the doorpost, the other perched on his hip. "How do I look?" he posed dramatically. 

I looked him over from his glossy hair to his polished shoes. "Like you're a greaser trying to impress his girlfriend's parents." 

"Just what I was aiming for!" 

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Why does it matter how you look? You've been in the business of chiropractic care since it was invented, I'm pretty sure they'll take you for your experience." 

"How old do you think I am?" 

"I don't know, how old is chiropractic care?" 

"It's been around since the late 1800's." 

I nodded, "Then that old." I may feel half dead with so much lack of sleep and food, but I still had a properly functioning sense of humor. I wanted grandpa to get the job, I really did. But, I was also scared that he would follow follow through with what he said, and that we would move to our own place again. I'd just recently gotten comfortable with living here, and now, there was a possibility that we could be moving. Yet another reason to control my eating today. 

He smiled his priceless smile that could light up a room. It always made me want to smile as well. But this time, when I smiled back at him, I had to force it. How could I think so selfishly when he seemed so happy despite any circumstances? Again, a reason to cut down on food today. 

I spent most of the day holding a book that I was not planning on reading, but kept it opened up on my lap in case someone asked me what I was doing. What I was really doing was staring in a daze at the sloping tree in the front, struggling with an internal conflict of what it was I was even trying to achieve by skipping meals. 

How have I gotten to this point? It's not that I don't like the way I look, and it's not that I think I'm fat, I just want to be in control of some outcome in my life. I'll still eat, so it's not like I don't have this under control. 

I sighed, laying down on the ground, staring at the sky. How can someone feel so much emotion, yet feel so numb, all at the same time? 

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On Sunday evening, I heard the voice of grandpa and somebody else downstairs. I leaned my ear out into the hallway to try and hear clearer, and the voice I picked up on was unmistakable to me. A wave of terror coursed through my body. My eyes widened, and without hesitation, I grabbed by shoes from underneath my bed and slid them on in seconds, ready to dart out the door. My heart beat kept getting stronger and stronger the closer I got to the stairs, like thumps on a train track from the oncoming train; and I, I was tied up to the rails, apprehensive about whatever was to come. I was ready to make a run for it, but as soon as my foot touched the ground, grandpa called for me. 

"Amelia Ingridson, come here," he commanded sternly. 

I barely even spared him and Robert a glance before running out the door. So much for a subtle escape. I could hear grandpa calling after me before I shut the door, but I didn't say a word. What could I say? No only to grandpa, but to Robert as well. How do you tell someone that their grandson touched you? How could you tell a family friend that their grandson, someone you thought you could trust, tried to take your shirt off despite your pleads otherwise? How do you tell your own grandfather, the one who raised you like his own, that you hardly fought back? I wasn't quite sure where I was going, but I began running there in spite of my fatigue. I soon had to stop to catch my breath, partly because I was tired, and partly because I was choking on sobs that were surfacing. Even while my hot tears stung as they streamed down my face, I kept walking. I kept walking and crying. I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't. It was like all the tears from this past week that I forced back were all spilling out. 

Why? I kept thinking. I don't know what I was asking why about, but I kept asking myself it.

Why?

Why? 

Why?

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I know, this chapter and song were both pretty depressing. But don't worry, Amelia will find hope, and things will get better for her. 

The same goes for you. Things will get better. It is said so often because it is true. If anyone needs someone to talk to, feel free to message me :) <3