Maybe Then...

Chapter 32: if I hadn't gone through with it

***trigger warning***

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If I hadn't gone through with skipping meals in the first place,

And hadn't been so desperate to feel in control,

Maybe then, it wouldn't have gone this far

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I looked at my distraught self in the mirror, thinking of the things I knew about myself that others didn't know. The problems in my life that people figured I'd resolved because I'm opened up about them. But they weren't gone, and I hadn't opened up about them. Just say it. Just tell someone! I can do this! It doesn't make me weak, and just because I show emotions, doesn't make me a weaker person. 

The lens of reality as I knew it flickered with every blink I took. But I'm weak because I can't just admit that something's wrong. 

I flicked the light-switch off in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen, my hungry stomach leading me there. I searched wearily through the pantry for something to just make the growling go away. From the outside, I looked like a pale, tired, dehydrated, hungry, quiet girl, and that's what I was. Although that's what I looked like, that's not how I felt. I felt like curling up in a ball on my bed and falling asleep, because my mind was throwing a fit over whether or not I should eat some crackers and cheese. My stomach, on the other hand, had decided for me already, so I went ahead and ate a few crackers and slices of cheese. This is good for me, I reminded myself. You can't just not eat, you need something to make you healthy. 

I sat in my room for a little bit, just staring at my phone, unsure of what I was even doing on it. I just wanted something to happen, something to distract me from myself, but uncle Jason was at work, grandpa at his new job, aunt Ruby with Clarice at her tumbling class, and Dan in his room, still annoyed with me for "stealing his friend." Nothing and no one able to distract me from my issues that I wrestled with in my mind. 

I can't control what I want to say, can I? I'm too weak, too cowardly. I paced back and forth in my room, just like the thoughts in my head. I can't control myself enough to say what I want to say, and I can't control who touches me without permission. I can't even control myself when it comes to food, can I? 

I shook my head at the thought. That's not true. I have options, and that's why it's a choice! But how do I prove that to myself? A shameful thought popped into my head. I quickly shook the thought away, scolding myself for even letting such a terrible thing cross my mind. 

I kept thinking about all of the things I felt I had no control over. It was like an endless list. Once again, I felt like life as I knew it was out of control. It's okay, I can just skip dinner, then I'll be alright. But what if someone catches notices me refusing food? What if they demand I eat? Maybe this isn't in my control like I thought. Then what is? That thought crossed my mind again. I swallowed hard, letting myself consider it for a moment. 

Do it, Amelia, you'll prove to yourself that you're in control. You'll feel in control of something again. 

I shuffled out to the hallway, looking towards Dan's room and continuing on when I saw his door shut. He's probably playing a game or something, so he won't hear me. It's not he'd care, anyway. I walked mindlessly to the bathroom, stopping in front of the sink. I stared distantly at myself in the mirror. My hands gripped the counter, my feet planted on the ground as I slumped over the sink. I felt like I was the one being pulled in a game of tug-of-war. I knew, though, that whatever side won, I would inevitably get hurt me. I took in a deep, shaky breath, then released it. Reality as I knew it disappeared and reappeared with each blink. This could hurt me, couldn't it? But it's just this once, then I'll feel in control again. You can do this, Amelia. 

At first, I did this to feel in control. But now, I felt like it was controlling me. 

Just do it, Amelia. You'll feel in control again. 

But isn't the fact that I have the choice to do this proof enough that I have control over it?

Prove it to yourself, Amelia. Prove it. Just do it. It's just this once, so it can't hurt you. Can it?

My shaking hands lifted the toilet seat up, my knees dropping down in front of it. I started feeling lightheaded as I fully realized what it was that I was about to do. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath. I opened up my mouth, and--

"Amelia! What the fuck are you doing?!" I could barely make out an agitated Daniel in my peripheral vision. But I didn't stop. It was too late, and I was already vomiting.

He went silent until I was finished gagging. Tears blurred the vision of my irritated eyes. I coughed and gasped a little. My mouth stung from the acidy taste lingering in it. I felt sick, humiliated, and disgusting.

I looked over at him through strands of hair fallen over my face, my lip quivering.

"Shit, Amelia! What is wrong with you?!"

I winced. I wanted to say something, to be that snarky girl with a poker face, slewing sarcastic comments at her cousin, denying any signs of excessive emotion to be shown in front of him. But I didn't do that. I just broke out in tears, backing myself up against the wall, covering my face in shame. He quickly softened his expression.

"Shit, Amelia," he muttered. "I didn't mean that."

I just kept crying, my throat thick with sobs.

"I-I just," he stuttered. He didn't try to finish what he was saying. Instead, he just stiffly wrapped his arms around me, holding me in an awkward hug.

I hurried my face into my hands, overcome with humiliation. What am I doing? What have I come to?

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Hey! Thank you for reading.

What are your thoughts on this chapter?

I try really hard not to romanticize or trivialize such issues and topics, and I really hope that I dealt with this topic appropriately.