Maybe Then...

Chapter 50: when a new chapter begins

When a new chapter in my life begins, 

And I learn to open up 

a little bit, 

Maybe then, things will start to get brighter

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It's funny that I can't read music, I couldn't tell you the name of a chord if you pointed to a random place of the neck of the bass, and I couldn't even tell you the notes of the songs I've memorized, yet I can still play. I'm not professionally trained, and I'm no expert, that's for sure, but I can play a few songs.

I can play multiple songs on an instrument that I'd never imagined myself picking up. Over the summer, I've learned 7 songs that my friends composed. I may not be a protege, and I've definitely screwed up countless times. But I've learned to play something over the course of a few weeks, and that should count for something.

I'm not like Dan, whose passion is most often found in music. I'm not like Cooper, who uses writing and artistic expression as an outlet and reflection of himself. I'm not like Kyle, who enjoys singing, but enjoys the time that he spends with his friends because of it, even more. I'm not like Dolan, who loves drumming because it's a hobby that keeps his fidgety hands busy.

I'm Amelia, Amelia Ruby Ingridson. I didn't start playing for any beneficial reason, and I didn't plan on using it to change my life. As much as I'd like to tell you that the instrument's shaped me, as much as I would like to say that If And Or When has changed my life, that's not the truth. At least not the full truth.

The truth is that people have really changed my life. Yes, like almost every other teenage girl, I enjoy music. Music is an amazing thing that influences people, sets mood for moments, and allows people to say what words cannot. But the music we feel moved by has people behind it. 

While I did enjoy learning to play the bass over the summer, and I really enjoyed playing it and being a part of a group I ultimately felt that I couldn't continue being a part of the band, and needed to at least take a break. I wasn't sure if I would be apart of it again, but I felt that I needed to work out some other things in my life instead, especially with school starting up. 

I wasn't in the best place in my life, and I needed to allow myself to focus on learning to breathe again. I needed to forgive myself for forgetting how to in the first place. 

When it came time to express this to Dan, I didn't know what to expect. I knew that no matter how I played the scenario out in my head, his reaction wouldn't be the exact lines I'd rehearsed for, so I didn't expect anything in particular. 

He was not happy, to say the least. "Why did you even join in the first place if you weren't committed?" 

I lowered my head in shame, not quite sure about the right way to answer that one. "I don't know," was all I came up with. 

I tried explaining it to him, telling him that I had some things in my life that I needed to work out at the moment, but he didn't understand. He just left me to wonder whether or not I'd done the right thing. 

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That Saturday evening, I received the first long-anticipated text from one of the boys. Dolan was the first to message. 

Dolan: Dan said that you quit?? he said that you told him you needed time to work something out

Me: Yeah. I'm really sorry