Maybe Then...

Chapter 48: if I hadn't messed up

*****slight trigger warning*****

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If I hadn't messed up, 

And I could have been even a little close to perfect, 

Maybe then, I wouldn't have broken down 

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As soon as we were away from the party, Daniel began spewing out his frustration and disappointment. There was no use in trying to defend myself, because everything he said was true. They were no insults. How can it be considered an insult when it's true? 

Was all of this practice for nothing? 

Get out of your head! You always get distracted by daydreams! 

Snap out of it, focus on what's going on! 

Why did you even join the band to begin with if you weren't serious about it? 

All I could do was stand there with a stone-like expression and take it in. 

"Can I leave early?" I asked grandpa after receiving my lecture.

"We should wait so we can help clean up. Show a bit of manners, ya know?"

"I'm just really tired," I pleaded.

He sucked on his teeth for a moment before speaking. "Just make sure to thank the hosts before you go."

I didn't, though. I just walked right past them and out the door, hardly sparing them a glance as I made my way home.

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My mind wouldn't shut up the whole way home. I kept telling myself that it's not the end of the world, but the heavy breaths that reminded me of my warm face and the tears I held back begged to differ. 

Nearing the house, I squinted my eyes against the summer sun nearing the horizon, adding to the blurriness that suppressed tears already made. As soon as my foot landed on the shaded grass, I started running to the door. I had no reason to other than my desire to get inside. Once safely closed, I leaned back against the door, sliding slowly down. My urge to cry disappeared, even though I was finally safe to let it all out. But it just never felt right to cry in an open space like an empty house; it felt...isolating. 

Grasping bundles of hair into my fingers, I let a shout escape my mouth. Mixed in with the heavy sadness was anger. I'm not sure if I was angry at Dan, myself, Zeke, life in general, or even all of them. I just knew that I was frustrated. 

I stumbled up to my feet and carried myself upstairs. I felt so heavy to myself, like the weight of what I felt was too much for my body to carry. I found myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, making spectacle of the failure that I saw in it. I took a chance and gave voice to my thoughts. 

"You're such a screw up. Your family only loves you because they have to. You bring problems with you everywhere you go." And just like that, I wanted to cry again. But I still couldn't bring myself to cry, I couldn't bring myself to let it out. "You need to get over it. It wasn't a big deal. Stop making other people miserable just because you can't get over some stupid thing that a stupid guy did." 

I was about to burst with built up emotion. "You don't have any control of anything, and it's a good thing you don't, because you'd just mess it up!" I was heaving with sobs now. "You're just a bother to everyone around you! You can't even control yourself!"