Maybe Then...

Chapter 28: if I weren't so tired

If I weren't so tired, 

Maybe then, people wouldn't ask me if I'm okay.

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Across from me at the other end of the table was a woman who looked vaguely similar to Cooper. They had the same straight nose, the same gray eyes, and the same baby-face look. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail, frizzy, loose strands falling onto her forehead. She had the same casual look as aunt Rose, the look of a mom. "You sure you don't want anything to eat?" she asked me again.

I smiled politely at her kindness. Her nice gestures almost made me feel guilty for not taking her up on the offer. "No thank you, I had a late lunch. Still stuffed up on it."

Stay strong, Amelia. Prove to yourself that you have control over this one thing!

"If you don't like lasagna I really don't mind making you a sandwich or something," she offered.

I declined. Cooper looked at me weirdly, but quickly pulled his focus back to the food on his plate. He had red sauce all over his face. Slob.

When they finished eating, I gave myself a mental pat on the back for being able to keep myself from eating. See? not everything is spiraling out of control. I still have a grip on something.

Cooper insisted that he give me a ride home in his mom's car since it was starting to get dark outside, but I was too worried that someone would recognize that it wasn't Zeke's vehicle. We eventually settled on him dropping me off a few houses down. 

As soon as I got seated and buckled up, I wanted to break down crying. I wanted to cry because I realized something: the last time I was alone in a car with a boy was last week with Zeke. I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes staring widely at the seat belt strapping me against the seat. I felt trapped. I quickly unbuckled the seat belt, leaned back in the seat, and steadied my breathing before Cooper hopped in. I lowered my head with shame, shame that I would feel that way when Cooper had never done anything wrong to me. He would never want to hurt me, he's my best friend. I silently scolded myself for being so over-reactive. No meals for me tomorrow. I needed more control, and I should have punishment for playing the victim. 

"Are you coming over tomorrow?" Cooper said after a moment of uncomfortable silence. "You don't have work on Saturdays, do you?" 

I shook my head no. 

"You can still come over if you want," he offered. "The door's always unlocked when I'm there, so you don't have to knock on Monday."

"Okay," I mumbled. "But I don't have work." I blinked as my eyes briefly adjusted to some of the lighting outside. 

"Yeah, but who's gonna make me feel like I'm gifted at Super Mario Bros if you're not there?" he chuckled a little at his own joke before adding, "And you seem like you need a friend to be around by choice."

"Thanks," I sighed, "but I'm really tired." 

He didn't respond, only kept his attention on the road as we entered into the residential area. 

"Amelia, are...are you okay?" 

"Why do you keep asking that?" I said much harsher than I meant to. "Sorry."

"No, no, it's my fault for pestering you about it." 

Nerves and silence filled the air between us. But that wasn't why my hands were shaky. I knew all too well that that was because I was hungry. But still, I willed myself not to eat anything when I got home after that uncomfortable ride home. 

I avoided any talk of how work was, how Robert was, and how Zeke was. I was too tired to deal with that, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I headed straight for my room without saying hi, grabbed my pajamas, and hopped into the shower. I was hoping that maybe a nice, long shower would make me relax after such an exhausting week, but it just made me feel even more tired. I dragged myself through the process of getting out of the shower, getting my clothes on, brushing my teeth, dealing with my aunt Rose saying I have to let someone know when I'm home, and getting into bed. Even though I was so tired, still took me a couple of hours to go to sleep. I was lucky, however, because I fell asleep before midnight. That was earlier than any night that week. 

Unfortunately, I my body decided that an earlier bedtime meant I would wake up at an earlier time. I tossed and turned, hoping that I could still go back to sleep at 5 a.m. But when I started to hear someone getting up and going downstairs, I knew that I was beyond the point of drifting back into the comfort of peaceful dreaming. Yes, it was the weekend, but insomnia didn't take days off on Saturdays. The things about insomnia is that it's a workaholic, and actually enjoys its night shift. 

Insomnia was a workaholic, therefore, my mind was an over worked boss, being handed paper after paper to approve, review, or look over, and having far too many responsibilities being passed on from the one that was supposed to work for it. Sleep was supposed to work for my mind, but for some reason, an employee that went by the name of insomnia was preoccupying my time, handing endless stacks of papers to me. Yes, I had control over whether or not I ate, but that didn't change the fact that I lacked control over when, and for how long, I went to sleep. 

I felt like I was just out of it. Like I was losing my mind. 

Was this how my mom felt before she ended up overdosing? Desperate for something, but not knowing what that something is?

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Hey! Thank you for reading! I really hope your liked it. 

What did you think of this chapter? 

What do you think of Amelia being moody about everything? 

What do you think of Cooper's subtle and slow attempts to get information out of her as to why she quit? 

Any ideas of what will happen next? 

P.S. I chose that song because I know it's about someone in a situation similar to what Amelia's mom was in.