Maybe Then...

Chapter 36: when I open up to someone

When I open up to someone, 

And realize it might not be my fault, 

Maybe then, I won't blame myself so much

----------------------------------------

Cooper just stared at me in shock for a moment. "He what?"

I swallowed a heavy breath, gaping at the piano. "I don't know. I don't know what happened."

"What do you mean? What happened?" The look in his gray eyes went from panic, to calm, and now back to worry.

"I don't know," I repeated. My eyes became warm, and I willed myself not to cry. I'd cried too much the past few days. "He'd been drinking, then he started kissing me, and--"

I cut myself off, bringing a hand to cover my trembling lips. A breath caught in my throat, and I shook my head with reluctant to believe that this shit, this was reality. I didn't fight back, I just ran away in fear. I didn't report it or tell anyone, I just slipped into the shadows of my own shame and cowardliness.

I shook away my thoughts and turned back to Cooper, a fake smile on my face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about my problems when you just has a panic attack. You don't need to worry anymore than you alrea--"

"Amelia," he looked at me seriously. "What happened?"

My smile quickly dropped, along with my excuse of selflessness. I looked him straight in his concern filled eye and said, "I should have done something. I shouldn't have let him go that far, I should have done something more." I stepped up from the piano bench and started pacing as I spoke. "Why didn't I do more? I should have hit him, beat him up, taught him a lesson! I should have shown him I wasn't that kind of girl! I didn't think I was that kind of girl!"

My face became warm from both tears, and anger against myself. Anger I didn't know I'd been holding in. Cooper stood up wearily. "What kind of girl do you mean?"

I paused, allowing the realization of it all to soak in. "A victim." It stung. "I never thought of myself as some victim who'd get bothered just because some stupid guy tried to get under my shirt. I don't want to be that girl who needs a knight in shining armour." It burned my skin. "I never thought I would be so bothered by something so small!" Like chemicals.

"Amelia," he said gently. I just kept going.

"I should have gotten out of the car the first time he tried it! Why did I stay there in that seat? Why did I let it go that far?!"

"Amelia," he tried again.

"Why does it bother me so much?! I should just forget about it!"

"Amelia!"

I stopped pacing and finally looked at him.

"It's not...it's not your fault."

"What?" I had trouble processing what that even meant.

"Don't do this to yourself. You didn't ask for it."

My shoulders shook as I started heaving with sobs. Not once until that point did it ever cross my mind that it wasn't my fault. I didn't know what to think. I didn't think about how embarrassing it was to cry in front of someone, or how humiliating it was to be wearing my heart on my sleeve at that moment. I just cried.

Cooper wrapped his arms around me, now giving me my turn to cry as my heart pleased while my eyes begged for a break. I sobbed on his shoulder, letting out the anger I didn't know I had stored up against myself.

Once my sobbing calmed down, and my nose was running, my eyes puffy, I pulled away from him, looked him in the eye, and apologized.

He knit his eyebrows together. "You always beat yourself up. Why? Don't you ever stop and think you've punished yourself enough?"

I shake my head as an answer. Rarely do I ever think that I'm not even partially to blame.

Silence danced between us for a few seconds as he decided on what to say. "Have you ever told anybody what happened?"

Again, I shake my head.

"Why are you so scared of being a victim?"

"I'm not really sure," I sigh.

He walked around the couch and took a seat. "There's a difference between being helpless and weak, and being a victim, ya know."

I took a seat next to him. I shook my head, "I honestly can't see it."

"Look harder," he offered a small smile. 

I fiddled around with my fingers, keeping my gaze fixed on them. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

He rested his hand on my knee, grabbing my attention. "It's okay to have weaknesses, Amelia. Everyone has them." He snorted, "I mean, you just watched me cry like a baby a few minutes ago!" 

The corners of my lips twitched up a little. "Thank you, Cooper."

"It's no trouble," he waved it off. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm in the mood for some Super Mario Bros." He cracked his knuckles, adding on, "And beating you at it."

---------------------------------------------

Hey! Thank you for reading! Thank for all of your support. Love you all!

What did you think of this chapter? What did you think about her finally opening up a bit more? 

What do you think of Cooper helping her realize that she's not to blame for what happened?