Maybe Then...

Chapter 37: if we didn't self-blame so much

If we didn't self-blame so much,

Maybe then, we wouldn't end up so hurt

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I took a deep breath, relaxed my shoulders, and walked downstairs, letting Cooper's words replay in my head.

It's not your fault.

I walked into the kitchen in my over-sized t-shirt I was wearing to bed, swallowing hard. Whether or not I believed that didn't seem to matter at this point. What did was whether or not they would believe it. Aunt Ruby was wiping down the counter, uncle Jason on his phone, and grandpa wearing his glasses and looking at a letter in the mellow kitchen light.

"Hey, sweety," she smiled. Her smile soon fell into a straight line. "You look a little sick, are you okay?" she asked, coming over to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

I shook my head, biting back the tears. I thought I'd already gotten my crying done earlier, but now that I was face with actually having to tell my family what happened. "I need to tell you something," I said in a sharp voice.

They exchanged glances, sitting down to listen to me pour out about what had happened not even two weeks ago, my eyes distraughtly trained on the kitchen counter in front of me as I endured going through such an explanation for the second time that day.

By the time I was finished, they had so many questions buzzing in their minds, I could see it in their eyes. But none of them spoke up; none of them wanted to start interrogating me. But there was a question nagging at grandpa that he didn't ignore. I didn't blame him, either.

"How long were you gonna wait to tell us?"

I barely glanced up, but had to avert my gaze from the sight of his eyes welling with tears to keep myself from crying. "I wasn't really planning on telling you until now," I admitted.

When I glanced up at grandpa again, he had his face buried in his hands, mumbling something about having failed me. He looked up at the ceiling, sucking in a shaky breath before saying, "Oh, God, I've failed both of them." He looked at me, desperation in his eyes. "I've failed both of my girls. I'm sorry, Amelia."

I've never seen grandpa cry before this point, and I've never seen him look so shattered. I tried so hard to stay strong in that moment. I needed to do it for him, I needed to do it for all of those who deserved a turn to cry. Unfortunately, we can't always be strong. Sometimes, we have to be strong, but we can't. Other times, though, we need to be weak and broken down together. This was one of those times when I wanted to be strong, but I ended up breaking down with him.

Holding onto one another, crying, saying whatever nagging thoughts came to pass. Holding onto his little girl so tightly, cradling her in his arms as an apology for something that wasn't his fault. Embracing the person that was her home, the one person that made her feel safe, secure, and loved, telling him that he wasn't at fault. This was ultimately what was needed.

"I shouldn't have moved us here to begin with," he said, his voice think with sobs.

I tightened my arms around him. "Don't say that."

"But it's true, Amelia. I didn't want you to move here. Why do you think I moved us to Evington in the first place? I didn't want you to grow up in the same town that your mother grew up in. There were too many, now, saddened memories here of her for you to grow up in this place. I shouldn't have taken you away from that place."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, hearing such new information.

I knew he wasn't crying just because of what happened to me. He kept saying that he failed the both of us, referring to not only me, but my mom. He was crying because he felt like he'd failed his daughter, and now, his granddaughter, too. I was crying was because he was hurting.

But whatever we were crying about, we cried. I don't know how long we were crying for, but I didn't care. It felt good to cry with somebody. It felt good to know that grandpa was there to protect me from harm, there to comfort me. I think that he let out something that he, too, was holding in. His own anger against himself for not just letting harm get to me, but letting harm ever get to my mom.

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I lie in bed, my head turned to the side, blinking slowly at the window. For once, after a long time, my thoughts weren't pounding against my head, they weren't swirling around in my mind. My thoughts were slowly floating by, giving me time in between each one to process them.

Sometimes, we hurt ourselves so much more than anyone ever could. We know our own deepest secrets, our own biggest weaknesses, our own mistakes and regrets, and so many things that others may not know. We know the words that could hurt us the most, the things that would tear us apart. Our own self-blame is one of the most hurtful things that no one's ever said to us.

We often times forget that other people aren't always thinking the cruel thoughts that we think about ourselves. We forget that others don't blame us the way that we blame ourselves.

I let out a deep breath. I closed my eyes, nuzzled into the pillow, and let myself drift to sleep with peace and conclusion in my heart. Well, at least I tried to. While I did have peace and conclusion in my heart from letting it all out earlier, I still had insomnia in my eyes. But, I didn't feel so bothered by it anymore. I wasn't that afraid of the silence and solitude that came from the night, because I wasn't terrified of my thoughts screaming at me. I wanted to go to sleep, but it was that little bit better now.

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My little Amelia has found some catharsis, and I'm just so happy. No, she's not rid of her past, and she'd not rid of the memories, but she let it out, and she found a sort of peace of mind from that release.

What did you think of this chapter?

What did you think of the song? Do you think it went well with the chapter?

What do you think of what she's come to realize?

What do you think will happen from here?

Love you! <3