Maybe Then...

Chapter 27: if I can look even a little different

If I can look even a little different,

Maybe then, I won't see myself as "that victim"

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"Millie, have you had an evening shift at all this week?" grandpa asked, spreading butter onto his toast. My stomach had been rumbling a for breakfast, but it was easy to keep control of my appetite willpower by reminding myself of how greasy that butter looked, and how disgusting it sounds to eat it.

"No, but I do tonight," I replied, though only half of me was in the conversation. The other half of me was saying to myself, listen to how the knife scrapes against the toast. Would you really want to eat something that gritty? Might as well chew on some sand. Put stuff between two pieces, it's a sandwich!

"Earth to Amelia!"

"What? Sorry, I dazed out for a moment."

"I said, 'is Zeke going to pick you up?'"

Just the mention of that boy made my skin crawl. "No, I'll walk, it's a nice day."

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I looked at myself in the mirror, staring into my own eyes while I tried to pull my hair up out of my face. I tied it into a ponytail, pulled on it to tighten it, then looked back at my eyes again.

What am I doing? I thought to myself. I can't just 'not eat,' I'd starve. But I can't bare the thought of having no control. Maybe I don't have to go hungry all the time, just when I feel like things are out of control again. 

This is a decision you have control over, I reminded myself. This is something you can manage. 

I smiled at myself in the mirror. This is going to be a new me. I won't be seen as the result of my mom's mistakes, I won't be seen as a do-over or something to try and do what she wouldn't. I wouldn't see myself as the girl that didn't fight back. I might end up looking just a little bit different, and won't look in the mirror to be reminded of any hurt. 

I'm not my mistakes, I'm in control of a choice. 

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Cooper seemed a little confused as to why I needed to come over in the evening instead of the afternoon, but was understanding once I explained how I usually take a later shift every Friday. One obstacle, though: he had to get his mom's approval to have me over. She got home everyday not long after I left his house, But this time, she would be there shortly after I arrived. 

Long story short, he had to convince his mom to let a girl come over, even though we'd be alone for an hour. He justified it by assuring her that we're just friends, and that we'd mostly be playing video games or hanging out outside. "You look sick," he said shortly after I arrived. "Your face looks pretty pale." 

"Well you probably don't look that great either when you're tired," I sassed, climbing up one of the trees in their backyard. 

"Do I look good now?" 

"Yeah, you look okay," I said as though it were a question. 

"Well then, I look good when I'm tired, because I'm always tired," he snickered. 

"Excuse me while I roll my eyes impossibly into their sockets," I retorted. 

He started climbing up after me. "Excuse me while I push you off," he teased. 

I went as far out on the branch as I could until it started to get wobbly. 

I nearly lost my balance when Cooper took a seat on part of the same branch. "You might snap the branch if you try and go any further than that," I warned. 

"Ah, yes, because I'm a fatso!" 

"I never said that," I argued. I'm just afraid that my weight combined with yours would make it snap, I wanted to say. 

"I know, I was just kidding," he said flatly. 

I shook my head a little. "Right, no, of course."

He went silent for a moment, but not in an awkward way. He was looking around at the tree, probably thinking up some of those ideas for writing. My assumption was proved correct when he exclaimed "aha!" climbed down, and ran into the house, telling me that he'd be right back.

I looked at my hand on the tree branch, seeing that it was too thick for me to fully wrap my hand around. My eyes trailed to my legs that were dangling from where I sat. I watched them as they swung back and forth. It was, in a way, mesmerizing to watch. But my mind ended up wandering over to the question of would grandpa find out that I've been here and not at work? I reminded myself that I could trust Cooper not to tell anyone, but another thought popped into my head: would Cooper's mom somehow let grandpa know? Then another thought that had been following me all week popped into my head yet again: what if Zeke or Rob or Ariel tried to contact grandpa? I swallowed the lump in my throat, starting to feel again like I wasn't in control of my life, or anything that would happen. I dug my phone out of my pocket, checking the time and seeing that it would be dinner time soon. I have control of something, I reminded myself. I took a deep breath in, then let it blow out, leaving it to be free with the passing breezes. 

I was a little shaky, of course. I hadn't eaten breakfast, and only ate a sandwich for lunch. Yes, I was a little hungry, but I didn't want to eat dinner. The choice of eating was one of the few things that I had control over, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could choose not to eat. So I plucked a leaf from the tree, put it in my mouth, and chewed it. It only took a couple seconds for me to spit it out. It was so bitter, and the stinging after-taste was lingering in my mouth. Eating food is gross like this, I told myself. That helped me to lose my appetite. 

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Hey, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! What did you think of this chapter? 

Any predictions for what will happen next? 

What do you think about her trying to feel in control by doing such things? 

Do you think someone will find out what happened any time soon, or at least find out that she hasn't been going to work? 

P.S. Don't try to feel in control of your life by making changes like she is. There are much better ways to cope with trauma.