Maybe Then...

Chapter 44: if I hadn't expected things to get better

If I hadn't expected things to get much better
than they already were,

Maybe then, I wouldn't have felt so hurt by it

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"What do you think they're doing back at the party?" I asked. I picked up a cool looking rock with faded stripes on it, giving it a neat design. "You think they're drunk yet?"

"Nah, they don't get drunk," Cooper assured me. "They're too big of pansies to hold down enough liquor to get drunk." He picked up something and slid it into his pocket.

"Good point."

Next to a few cigarettes scattered by the grass was a red lighter. "Do you think this still works?" I asked, waving it in my hand for him to see.

He nodded for me to try it. "One way to find out."

I rolled my thumb down onto the button. Nothing. I tried again a few more times, but it wouldn't budge. "Nope," I shrugged, slipping it into my pocket.

"Did you find anything else?" he asked as we began heading away from the river, back to his car.

I shook my head. "What did you find?"

His hand slid into his pocket, coming back out with a broken clam shell in between his fingers. "This."

I gave a nod of approval. "So who won this round of the treasure hunt?"

"Honestly, I think that the clam shell outshines your lighter. Literally."

He's got a point, there.

"I just might have to give this one to you since I obviously won last round," I nudged his arm with my elbow.

"Did you know that the hill that we went on is actually a landfill?"

My eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

"Yeah, at least that's what I heard."

"So you're telling me that we were sitting on a throne of garbage?"

"If you want to put it that way, then yes."

"Interesting," I conclude right as we get to the car.

We settle into comfortable silence until we get back onto the main road, when I break the silence with, "Are we gonna go back and see if they're okay?"

"Why would we need to? Dolan will be sober. He'll be in his right mind enough to supervise them." He scrunched up his face, "Well, as right minded as Dolan can get, that is."

I snorted. "That's not very much if dino nuggets are involved."

"In all fairness, I don't think that I'm in my right mind enough to judge him."

I raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"You've literally seen me have a break down and a panic attack, and you don't agree?"

"But you keep calm and composed, and have control over yourself!" I argued, fidgeting with the seat belt. "Yeah, sure, you get panic attacks sometimes, but it's not your fault. And besides, you calm yourself down most of the time!"

Silence instilled between us, giving me reason to believe that I proved my point.

I tightened my seat belt, making the lighter that was still in my pocket push up against my hip. I pulled it out and started rolling my thumb over the gear and onto the button. I wasn't expecting to get it to work, I was just occupying my hands. I fiddled around with it for a moment, my eyes in a daze as I allowed myself to get lost in thought, when a little spark snapped my vision back into focus. Automatically, I tried sparking a flame. It took a few more tries, but eventually, another little spark flashed before my eyes. There wasn't a flame to accompany it afterwards, but there was still a small firework.

The ends of my mouth crept up a bit. After all the places and things that this lighter has seen, after all that time that it had to hide itself away, it's still got a spark in it. After being abandoned with the dead butts of cigarettes and blunts, and being used time after time, it's still able to make even the slightest spark with what it's got left.

I usually found these kinds of moments in TV shows and movies cheesy. I usually thought that these moments were highly unlikely and unrealistic. But this time, for some reason, I saw a part of myself, or at the very least, what could be, in that little spark. Metaphorically and, in a way, a literal spark of hope.

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Cooper dropped me off at home before Dan got back, and as soon as grandpa saw without my accompanying cousin, the questions started pouring in. I assured him that I got a ride with Cooper because I wanted to leave earlier than he did, and that he would be dropped off by Dolan. It wasn't the full play-by-play of what happened, but it wasn't a lie.

I hauled my worn out legs up the stairs and got ready for bed, making sure that I put the lighter somewhere before changing my clothes. After stripping down my clothes and getting showered, I couldn't help but make a beeline for the lighter like a kid to a Christmas tree on Christmas morning, but instead of hoping for that cool new toy, I was hoping that it might fully work. I don't know why, but I had a feeling deep down inside that the next spark would turn into something more. I had a gut feeling that a flame would flicker before my eyes. I just had a feeling about this time. So once again, I rolled my thumb down onto the button, staring at the piece of plastic and metal intently, and--

Nothing happened. I let out an exasperated sigh, falling back onto the bed behind me. I started absentmindedly scrolling through my phone, half focused on what I was doing at hand, half lost in thought wondering if gut feelings were where we got superstitions from. I scrolled through some of my apps, reminding myself that it wasn't abnormal to see that many notifications--or, lack thereof. I somehow ended up in my messages, which was when I realized I forgot what I got on my phone to do in the first place. Whatever it was, I was sure I could let it wait. Because at the moment, my eye was caught on a contact name that just drew curiosity in my mind for some reason.

What harm could it do? So I clicked into the messages that I'd been neglecting for so long, and sent out a quick hey to Haley.

She didn't respond. So to Instagram I went, trying to busy myself until she replied. Five minutes passed by, then five minutes more. Then those five minutes turned ten doubled into twenty minutes. I wasn't necessarily expecting her to be up at 11:00, but in all fairness, it was the weekend.

Through my scrolling I spotted something that made me do a double take: a picture of Haley and a few of our friends. Now, it wasn't the picture itself that bothered me so much as when the picture was posted. 12 minutes ago.

My breath caught in my throat, hurt, anger, irritation, rejection, and so many other feelings stirred inside of me. There must be some misunderstanding! There was no urge to cry, just my face sinking in on itself. What misunderstanding could there be, though? She doesn't want to be bothered by me anymore, it's as simple as that...

Why is it that every time you feel like life might be in your favor, something comes around to prove otherwise? How come whenever people make me feel included and loved, people also make me feel worthless and undwanted?