Journey | Yogscast Lewis x Reader

27 - The End p1

A/N: Okay guys, here's the thing. I know I said in the previous chapter that the next chapter was going to be the last chapter in the book, but holy crap, I didn't anticipate how long this chapter was going to be... so instead of making you guys wait another half-month or so for a 4000+ word chapter (especially since I left the last one on a cliff-hanger), I'm going to release part 1 of the last part now, and then the very last part will come in a week or so.

Anyway - enjoy! :) 

It's like your whole world's crashing down on you again - just when you've started repairing it, when it all started to come together. Fuck. You should've known something like this was going to happen.

In the agonizing silence, you can hear your own heart thumping against your chest almost dangerously loud. You feel like you're going to collapse - and you're fairly certain you would have, had you not been frozen to the spot.

"Oh my God," you mutter to yourself, staring at him, mouth agape. "Oh, I didn't..."

Didn't what? Didn't remember? Didn't think of it? Didn't mean to kiss him?

Lewis looks at you, with a half sympathetic, half afraid expression. "It's not that big a deal, honestly," he says, in what you guess is an attempt to reassure you.

Not a big deal.

Not a big deal?

How can he say that? How can he tell you he remembers that you made out at a convention, and then pass it off like he's just telling you what he had for lunch?

You force yourself to look back up at Lewis, who's watching you carefully. And fuck, this is a really bad time to start thinking about how pretty his eyes are, because really...

"What do you mean it's not a big deal?" you hear yourself say, and it sounds way ruder than you intended.

Lewis opens his mouth, then closes it. His expression softens. And then he says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I just thought I should be honest with you. It's - it's been bugging me for weeks now, but I didn't know how to say it to you."

You're suddenly overwhelmed by guilt then, realizing that Lewis isn't saying it to force an answer out of you or anything - he's just saying it so he's not hiding it from you. 

Yet there's so many things you're still hiding from him...

"Don't apologize," you say quietly. "None of this is your fault."

"Hey," he says gently. "It's not yours either."

You bite your lip, trying to block out the sound of blood rushing through your ears. So what now? "Should we just forget about this?"

Lewis' shoulders sag slightly - not much, but enough for you to notice. "Sure," he says, when his troubled expression says, how can we?

And he's right. This isn't the sort of thing you can just move on from and forget. This is worse - way worse than the night of the party, when he rejected you; because you can move on from rejection. Lewis and Hannah did. 

But there is no way in hell - and both of you know - that things are going to be the same after this. You'll probably have to move out, find a new home, too - you can't possibly live under the same roof as the guy who kissed you then rejected you. You might even have to find a new job.

So after all this time, this is what it comes down to. Turns out every hour you've spent with him, every walk home, every night out, has all been for nothing.

You can't help but think to yourself that this is unfair, that this isn't how it's supposed to end...

But life isn't fair. And this is how it's ending.