june 1st, 1981
Idonia Street, St Paul Deptford, GREENWICH
•••
Dearest little birdy,
It's been a week and a half now, and you look so much better. Today I took you for a test flight. I'm not sure why, I knew I had to be cautious but hope clouded my ability to reason and I seem to have done it again. Of course it was a terrible mistake.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you don't want to become better, as if healing you could choose whether to heal or not. It was foolish to and somehow I almost wish I had never picked you up to begin with. It feels like watching someone you love die slowly, like walking around with a bitter taste in your mouth or drinking a cup of warm coffee only to realize the sugar is not sugar but, in fact, salt.
I tried not to cry out when you hit the ground but mama came rushing outside with such worry on her face. I promise sometimes I do not deserve the love and care she gives me, she treats me just as I treat you: like a young, defenseless infant. Yet I am about to go off to college and I am old enough to watch PG16 movies but too young to see anything over 18+.
I hope you don't hate me because I treat you in such a way. On several occasions I've found myself dreading my mother's company and her need to always give me medicine at precise times of the day. The way you look at me, I feel as though you're scared now. Scared of the one person who's taking care of you and maybe if I send you back to where you belong, you'll heal on your own and now I realize that you don't even need me
And there is nothing that hurts more than knowing that someone or something you love, just doesn't need you there anymore.
As you perch in your cage now, I keep turning round to see if your chest is still moving. It is, but ever so slowly.
It is strange but even though you most definitely do not need me, I still need you.
~INDYLULU
