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Spring and Psychatrist

It was a few weeks before spring break. Kind of excited but kind of not. Besides that I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. You heard me right.....I have to go see someone for professional help. My feeble failed attempts of suicide along with wanting to hurt others. I couldn't sleep.....nor eat. I was sleep deprived and starving myself because I can hear everyone else comments circulating my head 24/7.

Pathetic.....useless.......freak......whore......abomination......

I was nothing but a sorry excuse of a human being. I'm no one but a waste of space and time. No one wouldn't miss me even if I didn't exist.....

"Ms.Evergreen?" The psychiatrist known as Mariah grabbed my attention. "Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yea.....just thinking sorry." It was only me and her. My father and my sister wasn't in the same room as me. "What were you thinking about Ms.Evergreen?" She asked me. "Just silly non related stuff." I simply told her. "Okay then, let's see how you've been doing lately, shall we!" She said with a smile.

I gave her a small smile. I remember how this all started.

Beginning of Flashback
I was in the hospital laying in the hospital bed. A heart monitor hooked up to me. I was sent here because I nearly hurt someone else and myself. Something in me awoken inside and it scared me. I enjoyed the fear that was in his eyes......the tremble and the pleading cries to stop. A voice in my head yelling.

"Show them what a real freak is.....show them something that they will forever fear......show them a demon....."

I couldn't remember a lot from that incident it's like I blacked out for a moment. Next thing I know it I'm in my room crying loosing all of my sanity. I'm slowly dying and now I'm loosing my sanity. Why does it have to be like this! Can I at least be a whole!

As I cried non stop I couldn't breathe. Everything went silent. I couldn't hear my screams of help. Clawing at my face, hitting the side of my head with me hands. I couldn't hear myself at all. I screamed louder and louder each time. My throat feels hoarse and sore for screaming. I was freaking out. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hear, what's happening to me! Next thing I know it I banged my head up against the wall. The last thing I saw was the huge hole in the wall created by me.

"Hello Ms.Evergreen." A lady with dark skin came in, "my name is Maya and I'm here to ask you some questions concerning of your condition." She spoke formally but gentle. As if I was a small weak animal in the streets starving and looking for food and shelter. "So Ms.Evergreen, I have been told by your mother that something happened." She said. I didn't reply I felt empty.....feel like giving up already. "Would you like to tell me what's been going on?" She asked me. I turned my gaze towards her. She was pretty....really pretty. Dark brown eyes and her dark hair in a beautiful braid. Her smile was really pretty as well. My throat still hurt from all that screaming. I looked around the room for something to ease my throats until I saw a pitcher of water that was far out of my reach. I pointed at the pitcher of water hoping she gets the message. I saw her look to where I pointed and grabbed me a glass of water. I sat up and took the water out of her hands. I drank the water and never in my life felt better to feel the pain settle down. Clearing my throat and set the glass down by the bedside. "Shall we continue?" She asked kindly. I nodded. I was scared and shy because I don't know if I should trust her or not.

"What's been going on lately....." I said a bit quiet but loud enough for her to hear. I was thinking about this question long and hard.....a lot of things happened to me. "Where do you want me to start?" I asked her. "How about how all this started." She said.

How it all started......

End of Flashback

"I see, that you've been improving lately." Mariah said looking at her notes. My previous psychiatrist faxed her the notes about my other sessions. The medications I took and my life story. From what I heard I was probably the first teen to have such a high dosage of medication that they have seen. For me it's normal. I guess my life been such a fucked up. "Not only that you have been off your medications for 2 years?" She questioned. "Yea, I have." I told her.

She jotted that down "you don't have the urge to hurt yourself or others do you?" She asked. "Hurting others not lately my self I had my moments." I said. "What do you mean moments?" She asked. "Like one day I feel like giving up then the next I'm fine." I said. She didn't say anything but write. She took her glasses off and pinch the bridge of her nose.

"Well.....your session is almost over so let me give you some feedback." She said. Putting her clipboard to the side. "You have been improving lately then from the other sessions I have heard you attended, and you look healthier as ever. Your eating properly getting involved in your school and overcoming your shyness. Getting plenty of sleep at night. However, I feel like you need to take some of the medication not all 7 of them. I say take the Topamax once a day since that drug seemed to be working for you the best." She said.

I gave her a small smile and thanked her. I walked out of her office to meet my dad and sister in he waiting room. After that we left. I never scheduled another appointment there again and I think it will be the last.

My last help.....