Emotionless

Fireworks brings bad vibes

It's Fourth of July. The day to celebrate the independence of America. I haven't talked to my friends for awhile I do sometimes but not very often. After the family reunion. I feel like just closing myself from society and everyone else. Because I didn't quite fit in with everyone else and it made me feel like shit. Not only that School is about start next month so let all of Hell break loose.

Today seemed pretty chill will except for me. No surprise there. Around my neighborhood, fireworks would go off and I become very paranoid. Considering I grew up in a city with bad reputation with crime you couldn't help but feel uneasy. It's the same thing with me with thunder I'm not scared of the whole general idea of thunder I don't like the booming or banging noise that they made. It reminds me too much of gun shots. And...I really didn't have a good life with guns....

Flashback

It was my 12 birthday my stepdad got me something for my birthday. You would expect to be a puppy or a make up set or something between those lines. However, he gifted me a shotgun for my birthday. "A shotgun?" I questioned. "Yea, it's not completely yours yet we need to teach you how to shoot first then it's yours." He said. "But why would I need a shotgun?" I asked. "To scare away boys why else, after all you are my little girl....aren't you?" He asked. I nodded my stepdad always made me feel uncomfortable on so many levels. I don't know because I didn't know him that well or because the type of "father love" he displays makes me question a lot of things that made me feel uneasy.

"Keep your arm straight and be careful where you point it." My Mom was sitting on the patio chairs at my grandmother's house. My aunt have a bee-bee gun so they thought it'll be a good idea for me to practice shooting on some bottles with it. I took my aim at the glass bottles that was displayed right in front of me. "Time your shooting with your breathing inhale deeply then exhale when you shoot." My mother called out. I blocked out every noise around my surroundings. The dogs barking, neighbors bickering, cars blaring their radio or horn I blocked all of that out. I inhale deeply and as I exhale I pulled the triggered. I hit all the glass bottles down at ease. I draw the gun down and cocked it back. I looked at my aunt and my mom and they seemed to be impressed.

Soon after that I started practicing with a real gun. Just a handgun. I was taken to a secluded area where there's no one around or police. I shot down bottles, plates, antique statues, anything my mom can get her hands on. However, I hear these voices in my head. When my mom wasn't looking I held the gun pointed at her. We're in a secluded area no one won't know. But I snapped out of it and draw the gun down.

"Let's go." My Mom said. I looked at the gun in my hand and took the cartridge out. But ever since that day it became worse. The voices gotten louder and louder telling me to hurt everyone I know and to hurt myself. I felt like a dangerous person. Scenarios play through my mind. But one particular scenario we'll always be embedded into my head since I always see it everyday at School.

The whole cafeteria was bloodied up as soon you walked through the doors there was no survivors. Everyone was lifeless the staff, students, and teachers they were all lifeless. I felt no remorse for any of them. I looked down at my left hand and saw the gun in my hand. After that everything went back to normal hearing the roaring conversation of the young adolescents in one place. But only one thing ran through my head.

Is this the eyes of a School shooter?

End of Flashback

I was instantly drawn back to my thoughts after hearing a bang of a firework. I looked outside and instantly thought to myself how can something so beautiful make such a horrendous sound. A sound that brings back bad vibes.

Too many bad vibes....