The New RFA

Letters to a Girl Who Jumped

A/N: Suicide. Not canon.

Eunha,

I'm sorry...

I'm really, truly sorry.

I couldn't save you. I never had that ability. I never deserved that title. "The boy who tried to save her". I don't deserve it. I deserve the title of coward. I was there. I saw you. I saw the pain in your eyes and your unspoken goodbye as you looked at me. You had a smile on your face even as you jumped. It was impossible to know what you went through. You had that mask on even as tears steamed your face.

That smile.... That kind smile.... I always loved that smile. It was like a sun. It was like the moon. Both are beautiful and yet you held all the beauty on your face and in your heart. You outshined everyone. You showed amounts of kindness even I couldn't hold.

I regret everything. I was a coward. I didn't even try. I was stuck. I stayed there at the opening of the roof door like I was glued to the floor or something. Did I secretly want you to die? We're you just too beautiful that my subconscious wanted you dead?

That's what others hated you for, wasn't it? You were too much. They all hated you for a number of things. I.... I never hated you.... I loved you so much.

I loved you just as I loved everyone. You, however.... You were a goddess to me. You were of higher power in my mind and someone to be worshipped and not ridiculed.

I know this is useless now. I can't ever hear your voice or look at those red eyes. I can't ever see you or hug you again. I want to see you breathing. I want to see you alive. I don't care if the price of that would be that you'd forget about who I was. I don't care. I need you back. I need you alive.

You stared at me too... You looked back. You saw me. You saw the fear in my eyes. You saw a scared little boy in the body of a senior high schooler and yet you smiled. Through your tearstained face, you smiled at me? Why? You said something but I couldn't hear. And you kept smiling, even as you walked backwards and off the ledge.

And I did nothing! Hatred isn't enough enough to cover how I feel about myself! I didn't deserve any praise that came my way. I didn't deserve that smile. I don't deserve any thanks. I am just like everyone else. I never helped. I never tried even as I was there. I just watched. Like all the other bystanders.

I never really saw the bullying, I know! I'm not less at fault here. Never will be. I knew about it. I did nothing. Nothing but tried to comfort you with words and contact. Pathetic. I'm so pathetic...

Eunha.... I hope that you earned your angel wings. You flew as soon as you impacted the ground, didn't you? You saw me on the roof after you fell, right? Crying and shaking like a little boy. You saw that. As an angel.

If heaven doesn't exist then I hope you're reincarnated into a nice life with no worries. A rich family like Jumin Han's. If that doesn't exist then... I hope, at least, you're not in pain. I hope you're not feeling guilty. I hope you're not feeling regret. I hope you're just dead. Just... being Eunha. Being okay. Finally actually okay.

I loved you. I really did. This letter will never be sent. It doesn't have an address because I don't know where you are. All I can do, is visit your grave and set it down. Hoping that you can read it somehow.

You had been so strong and it's selfish of me but I wish you'd of been stronger. Chulsoon doesn't understand death and he's been asking about you. I say you went to college early. I don't want to tell him. Zen probably has. Your father. Do you remember us, where ever you are? If you dont, let me recap. Zen is your father. Chulsoon is your brother. I'm... I'm your... Am I your best friend? I'd like to think so.

This letter is getting long and I'm running out of space to write. I'm sorry, Eunha. I love you.

I

I love you so much...

Best regards, Jeaki.

P.S. Everyone misses you.

A/N: So this is something I thought. What if Eunha did die. She was successful. This is a letter Jeaki writes. Jeaki would write these letters all the time and set them at her grave. He'd make two, setting them at where she died and where she's buried. (He was scolded more than once for putting them on school grounds).

So anyways, yeah. This was depressing and I'm real sorry. This isn't canon in any way. It's just a heat of the moment idea.

And I hope that this letter could be applied to you of you think of suicide. This of the people you'd leave behind. Think of that younger sibling who'd be trying desperately to wake you up only to call your parent(s) in because "I can't wake them up..."

That best friend who's grief would be unimaginable. I want you all to think of your relationship with people. If your thinking of suicide, don't. Sometimes, you dont have a Jeaki to pull you out of the water you're drowning in. Sometimes, you've gotta save yourself. Itd be much slower, yes, but that just happens.

Im suffering myself and sometimes it's a need to end it all but I try so hard. My readers, itd mean the world to me if you didn't. Even if you dont comment, I can see your view and if one goes missing, I'd be worried. I may not know you or your name but you're apparent to me. I will show concern. I've done it before.

I love you. Someone else does too.