DIVE [1; CHRIS EVANS]

XLV.

45. GROUPCHAT

SEBASTIAN
so how about an answer to the question on everybody's mind

MINNIE
is that: when are people going to announce that harlow's getting her own TV show, as Minnie has now signed a contract to confirm that the origin series WILL be happening?

TOM
jhugjjbhvjghcf

ANTHONY
sure they won't give sam a pre-TWS series but they'll let yawnlow have her own

MINNIE
it's December I'm in such a good mood you can't even ruin it

LIZZIE
you like Christmas?

MINNIE
like is the understatement of the century

MINNIE
from 00:00 on December 1st yOU GOTTA START JINGLING YOUR BELLS AND YOU CAN'T STOP UNTIL BOXING DAY

ROBERT
I was expecting you to be an absolute grinch huh

MINNIE
I'd describe myself as a buddy the elf

CHRIS
you don't even understand

CHRIS
imagine this; it's two seconds into December and I get a FaceTime call of Minnie opening the first door of her advent calendar and setting the tree up at her dad's house so that it was there, ready, for when the kids woke up

LIZZIE
sounds cute

MINNIE
I had Christmas music playing over her headphones so that it didn't wake them up, and it was like one of those silent discos

SEBASTIAN
lOSER

MINNIE
tHE ONLY LOSERS AT THIS TIME OF YEAR ARE THOSE WHO WON'T WELCOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT WITH OPEN ARMS AND AN OPEN HEART

ROBERT
wait but half the fun of christmas is decorating the tree with the kids?

MINNIE
they're gonna decorate my tree with me !!

LIZZIE
Lola pre-warned me but I wasn't prepared for this

TOM
im so shocked this is such a plot twist honestly

MINNIE
I have a mini christmas tree iN MY BATHROOM

CHRIS
I'm visiting this weekend to help her decorate the front of her house, too

SEBASTIAN
which brings me back to the question I wanted to ask originally; how are the couple of the year going to be spending the holidays??

MINNIE
Lizzie and Lola? They're spending the eve with Lola's family, and the day with Lizzie's

LIZZIE
im not crying this is fine

SEBASTIAN
ELIZABETH AND LOLA AND IRRELEVANT. ARE WE GETTING THE VERY CHRINNIE CHRISTMAS WE DESERVE OR NO

SEBASTIAN
you already spent thanksgiving apart, so you need to spend christmas together for my health

CHRIS
I hope you have good health insurance then

ANTHONY
wait you guys aren't spending christmas together?

MINNIE
what's the big deal with that?

TOM
wHaTs ThE bIg DeAl WiTh ThAt?

CHRIS
we both already have plans with family, and we don't want to cancel those plans or force anything too early, so we're spending it apart

CHRIS
it's not a big deal, honestly

MINNIE
we've agreed to spend New Years together, though, if that'll boost your immune system, Sebastian?

SEBASTIAN
don't speak to me I'm dead

TOM
tHIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

SEBASTIAN
oh look I've been resurrected bitch

TOM
fUCK

ROBERT
sorry I'm still shocked by the revelation that Minnie's a festive person

MINNIE
dude okay in fairness to myself, I don't celebrate it until November's done, but you can bet your ass that the second the month of joy starts, the christmas PJs are on, the tunes are blasting, I'm building gingerbread houses and burning cinnamon candles and wishing everyone filthy animal I meet a merry Christmas

CHRIS
she has a turkey and a back-up turkey ordered & a third in the freezer "just in case"

MINNIE
it's necessary okay

ANTHONY
I'm scared

MINNIE
DON'T BE SCARED BE FESTIVE

MINNIE
honestly I had a job as an elf in Santa's grotto when I was seventeen, BEST ROLE SO FAR

LIZZIE
is it bad that I'd pay a whole lot of money to watch a christmas centred reality TV show, that's just like the day to day life of Minnie in December

MINNIE
I'd do it for free

ROBERT
Chris, buddy, good luck

MINNIE
I have a chart of what the elf on the shelf is gonna be doing every day, eVERY DAY IS MORE GENIUS THAN THE LAST

TOM
you're probably more excited than your siblings

MINNIE
we all love Christmas so much

CHRIS
oh oh oh idea !! when I come to town to help decorate the house, do you fancy gathering up your dad and the kids and going ice skating?

MINNIE
oNE STEP AHEAD OF YOU, THE TICKETS ARE BOOKED, SKATES ARE RESERVED, GLOVES, SCARVES AND EAR MUFFS ARE ALL BOUGHT AND READY TO GO

CHRIS
aAAAAHHHHHHH

LIZZIE
fucking hell

ROBERT
she's got it right though, December with kids is awesome

ROBERT
you get into the swing of things for them, and have the BEST time

ANTHONY
uh my kids are December demons

ANTHONY
circling everything in catalogues and saying they want everything that gets shown in adverts and constantly getting fed too much chocolate from grandparents

ANTHONY
december is the month of devils

MINNIE
'tis the season to be jolly so fucking act like it, mackie

ANTHONY
I'll be dashing through the no, but thanks for the suggestion

AUTHOR'S NOTE: part 4: Christmas and New Years