my luck

T w e n t y S i x

Brennan pov: I️ quietly knock on the door and mrs katie answers. She hugs me tight and pulls away with tears in her eyes. I️ start crying as well. Please talk to her she wants to help. I️ look at my shoes. Brennan she doesn't expect you to be strong hold her and cry with her it's hard what you two are going through don't suppress your feelings it's just going to make them worse. Please. I️ nod my head and head up to Annie's room not bothering to wipe the tears coming from my eyes. I️ knock on the door lightly, come in i hear Annie say from inside I️ open the door and see Hayley and Annie sitting on her bed talking and laughing. Um Hayley can we have a second Annie says after seeing my face. Hayley left and Annie patted the spot next to her on the bed. I️ laid partially on Annie's lap as she played with my hair. Talk to me bren please. Tears started coming down my face more rapidly now. "I'm sorry" sorry for what? Annie questioned "for keeping my feelings to myself for not talking to you even though I️ can trust you with the world" bren stop beating around the bush what is really going on. I️ was full on bawling now "I️-I️ just couldn't be strong anymore. I️ went home cause I️ knew I️ needed to cry and I️ didn't want you to see that. But I know that I️ shouldn't be afraid to cry in front of you and I'm not I️ just wanted to be your rock I️ wanted you to know that I️ wasn't scared that I️ was confident you were going to make it through this. But truth is I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared of losing you. I️ can't imagine brushing my teeth without the underlying thought that they had to smell good so you wouldn't be grossed out when I kissed you, brushing my hair and putting gel in without the thought of you messing it up from running your hands through it, cleaning my room just for you so you wouldn't be grossed out when you came over but I️ couldn't forget those things anyway the truth is I️ wouldn't be able to brush my teeth or my hair hair, clean my room, go to school without you cause it all reminds me of you. Annie I️ can't live without you even when I️ go home just for the night I️ don't sleep because I️ can't without you in my arms. I've tried so hard to be strong for you Ans but I️ am walking through this with you and I️ care about you way too much to pretend that I️ am strong enough to not cry when you don't feel well. I️- I️- I️" I️ was crying so hard I️ couldn't get anymore words out. Shhh Annie said stroking my cheek letting the tears continue to fall. Bren thank you. I️ never expected for you to be strong. I️ know this is impossibly hard on you and the thought of having to leave you being makes me cry more than you know. I️ love when you cry in front of me it makes me see I'm not alone in my struggles that im not crazy for wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I️ love you brennan you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself in front of me I️ love the real you. "I️ promise I️ won't be strong anymore" I️ said slightly laughing through my tears. I️ leaned in and kissed Annie for a long time not wanting to come up for air. "I️ love you" I️ said panting out of breath she giggled I️ love you so much bren. I️ pulled her into my chest just as we got settled my phone rang. I️ picked it up and saw it was katie "ugh she has been trying to get me to talk all night" I️ sighed before answering

K: is everything ok?
B: yes I'm fine
K: what happened tonight
B: Kate I️ already told you I️ just needed some time
K: away from Annie? You never need time away from Annie
B: no not time away from Annie. look katie can we talk about this later
K: no brennan Mom and Dad are really worried about you I️ am trying to convince them you are fine but you aren't helping your case by running out of the house crying the first time you come home in a while
B: they don't need to worry about me I️ am fine
K: Bren they want to put you into daily counseling they are worried about what might happen if Annie doesn't...
B: GOD KATIE she isn't going anywhere and so what if that was my choice at least I️ would be happy...I️ have a plan
K: BREN! I'm sorry I️ am telling Mom and Dad I️ agree with them you need this. Maybe Annie could come with
B: ok but no on the second part she doesn't need that
K: Bren you need to let her know what is going on maybe she can help you
B: the amount of times I️ have been told that today...
K: they were right weren't they
B: ya....but this is a whole different conversation. One that I️ am not ready to have
K: sorry bren but it really needs to happen. With you guys alone. I️ think it is really important. If Annie finds out on her own that you are having these...thoughts she will never forgive herself you have to tell her first
B: you are right I'm sorry. Tell Mom and Dad I'll do it and I'll tell Annie right now

While I️ was in the phone with katie I️ held Annie close to me. Talk to me please bren everything I️ think I️ know what conversation is about to happen but it needs to. "I️ don't really think you are ready for this ans. My parents...they are scared for me...they want me to start therapy, daily. I️ agreed" why did you agree if you didn't want to do it "cause they aren't wrong I️ need it" is it because of what we just talked about, about me. "Kinda but Annie I️ am really serious about not wanting to live without you...to an unhealthy level" she gave me a look, I️ knew she didn't understand what I was saying and that I️ was going to need to explain better "Annie I️ came up with a plan...Incase so I️ can be with you..." Bren you arnt going to..."kill myself...that was the plan"