Chapter 25 (The Hurt of Life)
I've been having a really hard time coping with everything that's happened loosing Lincoln, Hannah, and even though Trinity died 3 years ago, I still don't know what to do.
If Lincoln was here maybe things would be different, but she's dead.
I miss her more than anything.
Even though I have Hayden I still always feel so alone.
He doesn't know, but I started cutting and everything again. I try to hide it because it would hurt him so badly to know what I'm doing to myself.
I want to feel connected again.
I didn't get to say goodbye to either Lincoln or Trinity and that's the hardest thing to cope with.
The only reason I cut is because when I see blood it makes me feel like I know where I belong. I know that sounds stupid like what she hurts herself just to feel connected again?! She's a freak. Well the thing is, I don't know what else to do.
They're both gone and I don't have them anymore.
I love Hayden with all my heart, actually he's my whole world. And he makes me happy but I just sometimes feel like something is missing.
I never really told anyone why I got diagnosed with anorexia, but here's the story.
When Trinity died I looked at myself differently and less than what I was. So I stopped eating. It's hard because I just didn't know where I belonged or what I was doing in this world. It eating felt like drowning and it was hard, but I hoped that it would make me the way I used to be.
I'm a really messed up kid I have been since 2011, and I don't know why anyone would ever want to help me or be my friend.
I do this to myself.
and I don't know how to stop.
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