Mistaken

Vacancy

My eyes are watering as I stand here,
Running my hand through my black hair.
Watching the casket as I stare in fear,
I could be the next one going down there.

I start to feel numb as we cover her with dirt,
The tears begin to stop as I fall to the ground.
This fifteen year old girl who used put me first,
Who used to burst into tears if I cried with her around.

Now that she's gone I always feel uneasy,
Looking around for this girl that always saved me.
She's six feet down with flowers she can't see,
And now it's like my heart has a vacancy.

She swallowed some pills and used a knife on her skin,
Committing what the world thinks is the biggest sin.
She took her own life and left me here to cry,
Even though she knew I already wanted to die.

I've been in love with her since the moment I laid eyes,
Even though she didn't know me I went up to say hi.
It was her first day in our shitty little school,
And even though she hated it she always played it cool.

The entire time I knew her she hated opening up,
Thinking in her mind that nobody gave a fuck.
The only times she opened up to me were on paper,
Giving me glimpses of who she was, the real her.

No matter what she did its like I couldn't even hate her,
Wish for a long time that I'd get a chance to date her.
Hoping she'd open her eyes and see she's what I needed,
But she was already too far gone when she did what she did.

Now I'm sitting here in my bedroom missing her,
Wishing I'd been brave enough to spend some time kissing her.
Thinking too much and wishing I was dreaming,
Waking up at night to realize I was screaming.

Author's note:
This isn't a true story. I'm just scared it could be. The girl I love is suicidal and struggles with depression and self-harm. I wish she could be okay sometimes just because it pulls me further down when she isn't. Most of the time, though, I'm just worried. She doesn't love me, she's got nothing holding her back. Nothing at all. And I hurt when she's hurting. I really do love her, even though most of the time I'm wishing that I didn't. She's my rock, and I don't know how I'd live without her. I hope this day never comes, but if I can't figure out a way to help her it actually might...