Time Bomb •ch•

12. Whats the Problem?

I haven't talked to Calum in a month. Every day in every class I ignore him and judgeing be his lack of effort he probobly is ignoring me too. I wonder what he is ignoring me for? That egotistical ass hole wouldnt just give up, he never do. I dont know why I even care. I dont want to talk to that douche, he can get hit by a taco truck for all I care. Right? Good fucking lord Im not even sure any more. When I relized I was actually going to be sitting next to Calum, let alone the same class as him, I felt as if I was that same little girl in middle school who desperately wanted his attention and affection, to just notice her.

I felt weak. A feeling I pushed away and got rid of. Or so I thought. I hated him. I haven't even talked to him yet I just knew I hated him for making me feel this way. I hated myself for even letting him get to me before even he knew it. It was pathetic. He was dangerous to me, to my image, to my heart. This whole month I have only been to school a handful of times. I told Luke, Michale, and Danny about my panic attacks and how my anger issues have been getting worse lately. I couldnt tell them about Calum, not as if it was this big secrect. I mean people are talking about it and it will get around to them at one point but I just cant talk about it, its a sore subject. Why, I have no fucking clue?And I dont want to.

The boys have been helping me alot, espesially Michale. The other day they got me an inhaler from the pharmasy. My mum has been out who knows where, doing who knows what. I have only seen her about three times in the whole month and the only time she talked to me was to screamed at me about what a fuck-up I am before she left again. She dosnt care about me. Plain and simple. She cant even ask why I have done the things I have done, she doesnt know about all my personal problems, she never helped me, she never loved me and its pretty ovious. The boys and I skated to they doctors office to see whats been going on with me. The doctor asked me whats been going on the past few months. Other than Calum, John, and the usual crap with my mother, nothing. I sure as hell was I about to go into a sob story of my fucking life. Im not much of an open book.....espesially with my story. So, I just said nothing.

He said that my asthma is getting worse and thats part of the reason my panic attacks have been happening so often....part. He also said that somthing triggered this. It could have been a person, event, or bolth. Somthing personally tramatic for me happend, which is why my asthma, panic attacks, and anger issues started getting worse. He said the only thing I can do is find out this problem, tackle it, and get over it and as soon as I do that my "personal problems" should dissolve and get better.

So here I am 2:30 in the fucking morning, cant sleep and all I can think about is my problem.The thing is I dont fucking know what my problem is or how I am suppose to get over this unknown problem to solve my other problems. I mean I have Shit Loads of problems, some people could only see there deepest darkest nightmares but I was exposed to it on a daily basis. I know my past isn't the problem because my asthma and shit never acted up back then so that cant be it. I just lay there looking up at my white cieling, just thinking. If feel myself drifting off. My cieling turning darker by the second...........

[]