"Wait, you had a dream about Calum last night." Rylie said with wide eyes.
I called her this morning since I needed some one to talk to about last night. It's a Sunday morning so Luke and Danny were at church and I have been dogging Michael for about a week and a half. Rylie told Danny's mom she was feeling sick so she could be able to come to my house. I had told her the whole story about what happened these few days.
"Not a dream, a nightmare." I said hugging my black fluffy pillow. I was pretty much traumatized about this whole thing.
"Ok...so then why did you even except to being his friend ." She said.
"I don't know!!...." I said panicked. "I just- he just-I........I don't know. He was just being so charming and-" I was cut off by Rylie practically choking on her spit.
"Whoa, what? Did you just say he was charming?!?" She freaked out on me and I could feel the burning red that was making an appearance on my cheeks.
"Oh my fuck! You are even blushing! Do you like Calum?!?" She asked and my mouth fell open.
"No! Rylie no, never, I couldn't, I wouldn't, I shouldn't." I stated while profusely shaking my head and harshly stared at my book Calum had last night that was still sitting on top of my vanity.
Rylie grimaced and got up to grab the book and sat back on my bed. She studied every detail of the old book and let a chuckle slip out.
"I remember when you brought this book to school." She said and I chuckled at the memories.
"Everyone thought I was crazy." I said laughing.
"Well yeah, you were the only 5 grader who could read a adult book and under stand it. Every one thought you were the reincarnation of Albert Einstein." She said and I laughed at the thought.
"No, just a smart ass." I stated and Rylie let out a quiet giggle. She looked down at the book and traced her fingers over the title written on the cover.
She slightly smiled while looking down at the book. "You told me that you hope one day, someone could make you believe in love again, like Alex did to Katey." She said and looked up at me and I looked back down to my pillow.
"Kylie, I know I haven't been here for a while and that I missed out on a lot that went on in your life.......fuck what else can I say then, I am so sorry." She spoke and sighed.
"You don't have to apologize. It wasn't your fault..." I was going to continue but Rylie cut me off.
"Don't do that to me." She said and I looked at her confused. "Don't act all rough and tough, like you don't have feelings. I wasn't there for you but I am going to spend my entire time here being there and being the best friend I was suppose to be." She said and I said and through my head in my pillow.
"Kylie...." She paused and I looked up.
"Straight teeth or braces, purple or blonde hair, contacts or glasses, you are still the same old Kylie and that something you can't even change. For me to be here for you, you need to leet me in. Tear down the walls." She said and I suddenly felt extremely emotional about the situation.
"But as soon as I take those walls down I get hurt....those walls protect me." I said tears forming in the rim of my eyes.
"They also isolate you." She stated and I grew silent. There was a tension the air.
Suddenly my mind flashed back to all my past memories. The good....and the bad. A tear rolled down my cheek.
"Do you have feelings for Calum?" She spoke after a long pause.
"..........absolutely not!" I said loudly and Rylie scoffed.
"Stop hiding away your feelings!! I could see the way you talk about him. Even when it's some of the most traumatizing topics. When are you going to be honest with yourself Kylie!" She snapped and I could already feel the tears streaming down my face from the memories of Calum and the way he has be acting lately and how I act so different around him. Uuuugggghhhh.
"You want honest!!!" I shouted and paused wiping the constant tears going down my face.
"Maybe I like Calum! Maybe I never stop liking him from the day I saw him!!But you know have you ever stopped to think that maybe, I don't feel good enough for him. Maybe I don't think I deserve to be happy. Maybe I am extremely afraid to feel this way because I know that the day I admit to my feelings is the day all hell brakes loose." I said, now hyperventilating between sobs. Rylie looked at me with a concerned facial expression.
"....I am better off alone." I choked out.
"Trust me, no one is better off alone." She said softly, obviously trying not to upset me more than I already am.
"I don't deserve him!!!!" I shouted and threw my face in my hands. "I don't deserve him." I mumbled through my hands. I feel like I am going to explode with tears.
Suddenly I felt a pair of arms pull me into a deep hug. I wrapped my arms around Rylie and cried so hard into her shoulder. I could feel her tears dripping onto my shoulder. She doesn't realize how much I appreciate her. I have so much bottled up emotions. Some people didn't even bother with me. She stuck with me and took all my blows.
"I can't pretend to know how you feel" Rylie sung softly. She has a very beautiful voice too.
"But know that I'm here, know that I'm real"
"Say what you want or don't talk at all"
"Not gonna let you fall"
"Reach for my hand cause' it's held out for you"
"My shoulders are small but you can cry on them too"
"Everything keeps changin' but one thing is true, understand"
"I love you more than anyone can" She finished singing lightly.
I hugged her even tighter and began to cry again. This time it wasn't the over welling crying that made me feel like my head wanted to explode but more calm. When I was a child my mom used to sing that song to me whenever I would cry. That all changed when I was 7. Nothing was the same anymore. She never sang to me, we wouldn't go watch the sunrise and the clouds turn pink, she would never again take me to the ice scream parlor across from the park. She stopped loving me because of him.
"I want you to tell me about Calum." Rylie suddenly spoke and let go of the embrace. I looked at her. Puffy red eyes, dry tears, and mascara streaks. I probably look 20 times worse.
"Please......" She spoke again.
"H-He is gorgeous. He has the best smile that could light up your world and his laugh is contagious. He make the lamest jokes but there just lame enough for you to laugh at them. He crinkles his nose up when he doesn't like something or is really foucused on something. He is sweet and caring, even when he doesn't have to be......" I cut myself off realizing how stalker I must sound. I looked down and fiddled with my fingers.
"Why did you hate him." She asked.
"Because he was normal and popular and he would never think twice about talking to the loser girl I was." I stated sternly. I looked up to Rylie who had a big toothy grin spread across her face.
"What?" I quietly giggled.
"You like him." She stated.
"I don't want to." I said.
"Why not?" She asked.
"Because like I said all hell is going to brake lose. I know that none of this is real and that love is not real. I am going to end up getting hurt no matter what..........I fucked up and if he knew the truth about me...he would think I am some freak. I just wish I was smart enough to not have feeling and save myself the extra hurt that will soon come." I said disappointment clear in my voice. I am in to deep, no turning back now.
A/n
Somebody say joy kill.
That definitely made me sad while writing this. Love you guys and hope your enjoying the fan fic.
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Time Bomb •ch•
Fanfiction"You'll take my heart and I'll take take your hand and we'll run as fast as we can."
