Moving Forward

Shitty Days

"Brad I can't keep doing this!"  I shout into the phone, getting pissed off "I can't keep calling her because you nag me until I do, only for her to be a bitch and remind me why we stopped talking!"

I slam the door to my dressing room as I walk in, trying to hide my anger from everyone else here. 

"Just calm down, okay?  I know it's hard but at least you're trying.  If she wants to act like that, let her.  She's the one missing out on everything."

"You don't get it.  You beg me to talk to her and include her in our lives, and then go away to film so when she does this I have nobody for support!  I don't know why I even try.  She's always going to want to ruin things.  It's never going to change.  You aren't helping either!  Never being home when I need the support."

"Jen," he sighs "You know that I want to be home.  I thought if you guys could make it work now would be a good time so you would have more time to talk to her."

"Yeah well it's not going to work.  Not when my mother is incapable of caring about anyone but herself, and does everything in her power to put me down.  I don't want to be around that, and I sure as hell don't want my children around her if this is how she's going to act."

"I know it's hard, but it'll work out.  Whether you guys make up or not.  Either way there will be less stress for you."

"But I want my mom in my life.  I want to be able to tell her things and show her Ava.  I'm too scared to even send her pictures that we haven't released because I know she's going to put them out to the public.  I just want a relationship."

"I know you do, and I have no idea why she doesn't.  I want it to work out for you.  I don't want it to cause this much stress though.  You shouldn't need to deal with all this.  Especially not right now."

I hang up after awhile when he needs to go back to filming, and try to pull myself together.  It's very obvious that I've been crying and I don't want to upset everyone else. 

"Hey, you okay?"  Matt walks up to me "Your door slammed and it sounded like you were yelling."

"...and it looks like you were crying." Lisa adds.

"I'm fine."  I say, knowing they aren't going to buy it "It's just things with my mom again."

"This isn't just about your mom, Jen." Lisa sees right through the lie "What's going on?  Is something wrong with you and Brad?  Is Ava okay?"

"We're all fine.  I've just been stressed about everything with my mom, and with Brad not being home it makes it worse.  It seems like every time he tries to get us to work it out, he's away.  And it's just so much harder this time with everything else going on."

I take a second to catch my breath, trying not to go into a full on crying fit again.

"What do you mean everything else?" David asks, walking over with everyone else "You're never this upset."

I look around at them, knowing I have no choice but to tell them about the baby.

"I'm pregnant.  We found out in Mexico, and it's just that it was a huge surprise and now we have all the stress of that and everything else, and I just feel completely worn out."

"But it's good, right?" Courteney asks "You and Brad always wanted another baby.  I know you're still upset about everything with your mom, but you can put that on hold if you need to."

"It's amazing.  We couldn't be happier, it's just hard with everything.  And Ava's been so needy lately it's ridiculous."

"Does she know?  She's going to be so excited." Matthew asks

"No, we don't wanna tell her until we need to announce it because she can't keep her damn mouth shut." I laugh at the thought of her telling everyone she knows "I'm excited to tell her though, she's been asking for a baby since she can talk."

"See, don't let the stress get to you."  Lisa looks over at me smiling "Think about how happy you all are going to be.  If anything, your mom is the one missing out on everything because you guys are pretty awesome.  Someday she'll realize that."

"Lisa's right."  David adds "She doesn't know what she's missing.  And you're always going to have all of us to support you.  You don't need someone in your life that's just going to cause pain."

"Go pick up Ava.  We can tell them you didn't feel good, it's not like you're missing a whole lot the next hour." Matt suggests "You need her.  We all know you're much happier around her."

"Okay.  Thanks, guys."

I grab all my crap and drive to my dad's house where Ava is for the day.  She hardly even notices me when I walk in because she's having too much fun drawing all over the carpet with markers while my dad just watches.

"What the hell is she doing?"  I walk into the room in shock "Dad!  You're supposed to watch her."

"I am." He looks away from the tv long enough to throw a box of markers at me "They're washout."

"Sherry is going to kill you." I sit next to him on the couch, getting the remote and turning off the tv "We need to talk about something."

"Your raging hormones?  Seriously, tell Brad if you ever turn the tv off on him he's welcome here." He rolls his eyes "What's up?"

"I tried talking to mom again."

He immediately stops with all his sarcastic thoughts, and turns towards me.

"It didn't go good.  At all."

"What happened?"  He asks "What did you guys talk about."

"Hardly anything because she basically criticized the way I was breathing.  I wanted to tell her that Ava and I will be in New York soon and that maybe me and her could meet up.  She got pissed because I said I didn't want Ava around her yet, saying that I think she's a terrible grandmother and don't want my child to ever meet her."

"Jen, you know your mom.  You know she's just stubborn." He looks across at me and can tell that's not helping at all "Look, I'm obviously not a huge fan of the woman, but I do know she loves you, and you love her.  Maybe having her back in your life 100% isn't good, but I do think you need to open up to her at least a little.  There's going to be a day Avalynn figures out Sherry isn't her "real" grandma, and when that day comes, she deserves to know who her real grandma is."

I watch Ava as she plays peacefully, not having any idea about any of this.

"I'll make it work for her."