Moving Forward

Am I Doing Good Enough?

"Hey," Brad walks up behind me, wrapping his arms around me "I'm sorry, I know you're tired and I'm making everything harder."

"It's not you, Brad." I lean into him, needing the comfort "It's just that there's so much going on right now and I feel like I can't win. I feel like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not good enough."

"But you are. You're more than enough. You try your hardest and do everything you can to be the best, that's all we ask for." He pulls me closer, kissing my forehead "You just need to remember that you can't control everything. I don't like everything being said about us right now, or that I feel like I'm running on fumes, but I know we can make it through this. I know that we're stronger than these problems we're faced with."

"You think so? Because I feel like we're just being pulled further and further apart..."

"Jen you have to believe in us. We chose to love each other years ago, and we still chose to love each other every day. There's days where I honestly don't know why I still chose to stay in this mess, but I always know it's because I love you and our family more than anything else. I don't care what problems are thrown at me, as long as I have you to lean on through them."

"I love you, too. It's just hard sometimes." I admit, knowing that there's absolutely nobody else I would rather be with "I wouldn't want anyone else to annoy me as much as you do, or to love me as much. I can't imagine my life any other way, I just sometimes think it would be easier."

As I'm saying this, I watch his expression. I watch as he stares at me with lust in his eyes; the same look he's given me countless times throughout our relationship, letting me know how much he truly loves and cares about me.

"But, that doesn't mean I would change anything at all. Nothing in the whole world could make me give up what I have with you and the girls. Especially not the media."

"I'm sorry they're trying to tear you down, you don't need that." He says, looking out into the distance as if he's thinking about it "I wish they would just leave you alone.  You shouldn't be pulled into all this bullshit for no reason at all.  It's pathetic."

"Then why do I get dragged into it?  Why can't they leave me out?  Why can't they leave us out in general?  I'm so sick of telling everyone that we're fine, that I don't hate you, and that we aren't getting divorced... I just want our old life back."

"I know, babe.  I want it back too."

We sit on the deck laying in each other's arms for what feels like forever.  He continues to comfort me, knowing that's what I need the most.  I always know that no matter how hard our life gets, how many problems are thrown at us, we're always going to have each other and our love.  We're always going to run back to what makes us happy; our family.

"Mommy?" Ava walks out onto the deck, rubbing her sleepy eyes, looking for us "I can't sleep.  My eyes won't stay shut."

"Come here, princess." Brad extends his free arm, pulling her up to sit with us "Do we need to get some glue for your eyes?  Will that make them stay shut?"

She quickly shakes her head no, looking to me for help.

"I think I need to lay with you." She decides, wrapping her arms around my neck "You always keep my eyes closed."

"That's a mommy thing.  We know how to get our babies to sleep." I say quietly, noticing that her breathing is slowing down as I rub her back. 

"You're so good with them." Brad looks from Ava to Kassie who has been sleeping next to us the whole time "You always know exactly what to do.  I don't know how you do it."

"I don't either." I laugh a little, thinking about it "It's like a switch went off the first time we couldn't get her to stop crying that first night we brought her home.  I don't know what it was, but since then it's like whatever I think of works.  It scares me a little."

"I think it just means that you're the best mommy ever."

"Yeah, and you're an okay daddy.  You could do better." I lean in to kiss him "But you're the best pain in the ass ever.  That's for sure."

"You are so lucky I love you." He laughs, kissing me back "Maybe we should take them in for bed?"

"I think that's a good idea."

We quickly carry them into their rooms, him taking Ava and me taking Kassie.  I get done laying her down first, so I go over to our room getting ready for Brad. 

He walks in shortly after, wrapping his arms tightly around my body, feeling the two newest lives we've formed moving around.

"You know how I know you're so amazing?  You don't give up, you don't complain when you have every right to, and you believe in yourself, even when you don't think you should.  It really shows."

"But is that good?  Do I trust myself too much?  What about all the times I've caused problems instead of solving them?  All the extra arguments I've caused..."

"Everything happens for a reason.  You know that.  You always know what's right, what needs done to solve the problems, even if you did cause them."

I lean into his warm embrace as he continues to comfort me with his words, as well as his strong arms, knowing exactly what I need right now.

"And these babies, they're so lucky to have you.  So are the girls, we all are.  We all love you more than you'll ever know."

"I love all of you too."