Magical - Mollie and AJ's Strictly Story

Part 1 - Oh no, Mollie!

"Oh no, Mollie!" I groan at my reflection in the mirror. I quite often talk to myself in the mirror, usually to see how I look to other people, but today I am literally shaking my head at myself. This was not what was meant to happen. I don't know quite how I got myself into this situation. This was not the way it should have been. Like so much in my life, it just seemed to be a whole lot more complicated for me.

Frankie had done it. She'd had a great time. That was one of the reasons I was so excited about it – she pushed me to do it, said I would have the time of my life. She hadn't had this trouble. But then, she was happily married. And so was Kevin. I thought they'd put me with Kevin, I was so sure of it. But they didn't and now I'm in trouble. Or maybe I'm in love. They kind of look the same at this precise moment. No, not love. Just a little crush. That's all it is. It has to be.

I look at my face: eyes bright, cheeks slightly flushed, hair scraped back. Not my signature look, but I still have a glow about me. I shake my head again, with more emphasis this time. I will not entertain the thought that has errantly entered my mind about why I have a glow. It is the dancing, it isn't him.

Him. It is ridiculous, really.

Ridiculously silly to be having a crush, at my age, on someone so...so... This is the problem. On paper, it is ridiculous. A thirty-year-old woman having a crush. In real life...is it a cop-out to say indescribable? Yes, it is, and it also doesn't do justice to him. I can honestly say I have never met anyone like him in my life. He has charisma for days. So funny. And his talent...well, it just speaks for itself, doesn't it? A world champion, for goodness sake. But he's not big-headed about it. He's actually quite self-deprecating. He happily goes along with the age jokes.

And there lies the crux of my confusion. His age. Or mine. I don't know which one bothers me more. We are at different stages in our life. He can't possibly be ready for the things I want. The things my sisters and friends already have. The things I have already spent so much time waiting for. Hoping for. Trying with the wrong man for. I can't waste any more time. I should just...my reflected head shakes again. I know what I should do, and that is turn off these feelings. But I just can't. And, what's more...I don't want to.

I find him captivating. When he hugs me, I don't want to let go. I want to be the reason he smiles.

I turn away from the mirror, disappointed at my own weakness and somewhat embarrassed at my soppiness. I am only setting myself up for more heartache, and again, I will only have myself to blame...and it took me long enough to bounce back last time. I think back to David. We had an age gap too – seven years – but he was older. And the timing still wasn't right. He wasn't all bad, he just knew what he wanted, and it took me a while to realise it wasn't what I wanted or perhaps I wasn't what he really wanted. Who knows? It doesn't matter now. I remember getting so excited when he let me have a drawer in his walk-in wardrobe, like it meant I belonged with him. I look back now and it feels like he was trying to compartmentalise my presence in his life, something easily added or easily removed. Everything in its place.

I wander into the kitchen to collect Alfie's lead. The only man who has seen me at my very worst and still loves me regardless. I'll take him for a walk and try to clear my head. You'd think after – how many hours have we trained today? Ten? Anyway, you'd think I would be exhausted, but apparently my mind didn't get the message. It drifts back to the dance studio and him. He probably doesn't even like me that way, he's probably just being kind and supportive. That's it. I can have a crush on him and just keep reminding myself that the feelings are just in my head.