Magical - Mollie and AJ's Strictly Story

Waiting for that second chance

There are some moments in my life that are so unbelievably me: using FemFresh wipes to remove my eye make-up, not realising their real purpose; creating an Instagram account for Alfie; believing that Bryan Cranston was a massive fan of The Saturdays when it was actually a prank. I had another such moment today...and I can't stop thinking about it.

Him. I saw him. It had been so long. No face-to-face contact since things fell apart.

I hate thinking back to that time. I loved him so much, but it just wasn't working. Our lives were pulling in opposite directions. I kept thinking the age gap was just too wide – if he had been the older party, it wouldn't have mattered...but wishing wouldn't solve the problem.

Maybe it had been the way we met. It was too intense, too confined, too mutually dependent. When we got into the real world it was suddenly complex. I started to doubt everything. I know I fall in love too easily, pour my emotions into my relationships, keep trying when I should give up. What we had was too precious to let it sour. We talked it through in a civilised manner. We would walk away from our relationship and resort to just being friends. Friends who don't see each other in person.

I knew I wouldn't be able to meet up and pretend I had never loved him. That I didn't still love him.

So, it had ended on the best terms possible, I suppose. I won't pretend there weren't evenings where I sobbed into Alfie's fur, desperately missing him. I won't pretend I didn't want to just get in the car and drive to find him. I won't pretend that I didn't debate calling him, just to hear his voice. But it is called a break up for a reason – because it is broken.

We'd always maintained to the media that we were just friends. Of course we were both asked about it. It still hurt when I read a quote where he'd said just that and added that it was just about having fun. It was the approach we had both agreed, but seeing it in black and white still brought on a melancholy. I tried to convince myself that his words were right. It had been fun. And now it was time to move on. I'd had my fun with a very attractive younger man, but now it was time to get serious.

I stopped discussing all things Strictly in interviews – it was over: the show and us. I had such fond memories of the whole experience, and I didn't want to taint them. I needed to move forward.

Things in my life hadn't exactly worked out the way I had planned – I'd loved being in a girl-band, but that wasn't happening now. I'd always wanted a family, but that wasn't looking likely at the moment. Modelling was fun, and lucrative, but I needed something more than that. I had been dabbling with presenting, but didn't have masses of experience. The BBC offered me a great opportunity – being a guest presenter on one of their radio shows. Only for a matter of weeks, but it would give me a change to get my feet wet in a new medium and my agent said it would be great publicity.

So I did the first show...and loved it. I phoned Mum afterwards and told her it gave me the same buzz that singing with the girls had. She'd said she could tell when she listened in. I thanked my lucky stars that I had agreed to this guest stint. Little did I know what the future held.

There was my golden opportunity – the BBC wanted me full-time to co-host a show, three times a week, on Radio 1. I honestly couldn't believe how lucky I was. My mum was, of course, thrilled – it was my first proper job since The Saturdays. I was finally becoming a grown-up. Maybe I should think about becoming a grown-up in my personal life too.

I tried my hardest not to think about him. To move on. I dated another man – one who, on paper, was a far better match for me – similar age, mutual friends, shared hopes. He was a good man. He was kind to me. We did the whole mini-break thing. Cottages by the sea. We should have been a perfect couple. But I still found myself looking at AJ's photos and wondering, "What if?"

What if we had both been on the tour? What if he had been slightly older, or I'd been slightly younger? What if he lived in London full-time? What if I re-located? What if we tried again?

But that was silly. We'd given it all we had at the time. He'd probably moved on anyway. I tried to focus on what was right in front of me. Career-wise, things were better than I could have hoped. I was being offered presenting work on TV on some of the biggest shows. In my personal life, things fizzled out. No hard feelings, but it wasn't quite right for either of us. There was no crying on Alfie this time, no wishing to rewind time. Remaining friends with him wasn't a problem at all. But now, having seen a friend's marriage break up and leave her heartbroken, I was starting to think that having Alfie as the only man in my life might be easier. I was living my best life. I didn't need a man. Maybe I wasn't destined for marriage and children after all. Maybe I would just be the most awesome auntie in the world instead. So I focussed on the things I could control.

You can't control time.

You can't control public interest.

The Strictly machine was whirring back into gear. I couldn't avoid talking about it. I started to feel nostalgic about our time. It truly had been magical. There wasn't anything I would have changed about it, and if I could have done it all again, I wouldn't change a thing. The more I talked about Strictly, the more I missed him.

There's another thing you can't control. Fate.

It had been a normal day. A Friday. I was waiting for the tube to work. The train pulled in and I glanced through the doors, assessing my likelihood of getting a seat. But it wasn't the empty chair that pulled my focus. It was him. My breath caught in my chest. My heart sped up without my permission. He looked so handsome. He was tanned, maybe even more muscular and he'd had highlights in his hair. I knew all of that, I'd seen it on Instagram, but seeing him right there, in front of me, well, he took my breath away.

I felt naturally flustered. I was still so attracted to him. I hadn't seen him in months and now here he was straight in front of me. I really wanted to play it cool, but in typical Mollie style, I didn't quite pull it off. I had planned to casually walk up to the empty seat next to him, sit myself down and be like, "Oh hi!"

But this is me...I was so busy looking at him – he hadn't looked up from his phone and he had his headphones in – that I tripped over one man's feet. I was so busy apologising to that man that I managed to then fall over another man's bag. I lost my balance and fell into a seat...the seat next to him. He'd seen it all. His ocean-blue eyes twinkled as he dissolved into laughter. So much for playing it cool. But it broke the ice. We giggled together, and we hadn't done that for far too long. It was as though some things never change.

I only had a few stops to sit with him. We made easy chatter about Strictly – it had always been natural to talk about that. He knew who his new partner was...and I may have checked a spoiler site. She would be amazing, I had no doubt, especially with him to support her. I felt so jealous. He'd been my hero, after all. In a way, he still was.

I had to leave...I had to be on the radio shortly. But my mind was still with him. I posted it on Instagram as soon as I could. I tagged him and won't pretend I wasn't delighted when he reposted it. I thought of our chance meeting all evening too. Wise people, far wiser than me, say that we are bound to gravitate to the people we are meant to be near...how crazy were the odds of him being in the exact underground carriage I was about to board? Surely that must be millions to one? And right before the anniversary of when we got paired up?

He was all I thought about for that evening and into the next day. By the evening I had decided I would do a little Instagram post to reminisce on our Strictly experience and to wish him luck with his new partner. Trying to decide on a few photos to sum up that time in our lives was a bit like Alice in Wonderland falling down a rabbit hole. It had been such a special time. I was supremely jealous of the class of 2018.

And I just hoped that fate would allow me to fall into his path again...