Suicidal [Narry/Niam]

Chapter 29

Niall's Pov:

I felt overwhelmed and unable to control my emotions. I just filled up with lots of things. Between Liam and everything else, it all just seemed like alot. I need a drink.

I looked at the clock as I layed in bed. It was only 11:00. Ive been asleep for a half an hour. Sleep seemed very hard to get lately. Despite how tired I was, I could never get the sleep I wanted and needed. A drink will probably help me get some sleep.

I rolled out of bed and threw on a sweatshirt. I snuck out of the house quietly as I could. I brought one of Zayn's cigarettes with me and his lighter. The air outside was cold. I wanted the warm burning feeling of a cigarette. I lit it up and continued walking to the bar.

The burning sensation of smoke in my lungs overjoyed me. It calmed me and made me feel so much better. Being alone in the streets of London along with smoking made me relax, even though I havent started drinking yet.

I passed a couple people on the street. Some of them eyeballed me and gave me strange looks while others seemed to be more interested in something else. I didnt care too much though.

I got to the bar and went in. The bar seemed to be empty for the most part, aside from the bartender. I sat on the bar stool closest to the door. He came over to me.

Before he spoke, I answered. "Whatever will make me drunk." He nodded.

It seemed to be a new bartender working. Ive been here alot, and I havent seen him working. He's actually kind of cute.

Sadly, Im in no mood to flirt. I just want to get as drunk as I can. Drunk enough to not remember anything or care about anything.

I wish Liam would love me like I love him. I know thats impossible. I'm unlovable. I dont even like myself. Why would I expect someone to love me when I hate myself?

8 drinks later Im drunk as can be. I slap two twenties on the bar table before leaving.

"Thank you! Come again!" The young bartender says to me before I leave.

I just wave behind myself and stumble out of the bar.

"Oof, its cold out." I say. "Thank god I brought a sweatshirt!" I laugh to myself. I pull out my phone to check the time. "Arg, 1:30. I gotta get home." I slump myself home. Theres not many people outside. Only a few cars and other people walking.

I get to the house door. I see the lights in the living room are on. I wonder who could be up at this time of night. I stumble with the key to put it in the lock. However, it takes me a second to fit it in. Its quite challenging unlocking a door while being drunk.

I open the door and shut it behind me. Before I can set my keys on the table next to the door, Liam comes from around the corner into the hallway.

"Niall!" He shouts.

He runs down the hallway and embraces me in a hug. Confused at first, I settle into the hug dropping the keys on the floor.

"I was so worried about you! Where were you?" He stands back from me. He payses for a moment. "...Youre drunk..." He looks into my eyes.

"So?" My voice cracks.

"Why?" He sounds heartbroken. "You always drink when youre upset..."

"No I dont!" I push passed him and into the kitchen. He follows me.

"Yes you do! Why do you drink then?"

I pause. I dont turn around. Instead, I continue to face the cabinets, shocked.

"Because... Uh..." I try to think of something. I turn around to face him. His eyes are innocent. "I like it."

"Cant you like it a little less?"

I shake my head and turn back around to grab a bottle of wine from the cabinet. I take a sip from it. "I dont think so."

"Please Niall..." He walks over to me and takes the bottle from my hand, placing it on the counter behind me. "I dont like it when you get drunk every night." He places his hands on my hips and looks down into my eyes.

"But-" he cuts me off with his lips.

I wish I was sober to enjoy this enough to remember it tomarrow. His lips feel good on mine. I push a little into it an place my hands on his waist. He moves closer to me so our hips are against eachother. He pulls away and hugs me tightly.

"I like you better when your sober." He tells me.

A single tear falls down my cheek. "Im sorry." I hug him tighter. "I need alcohol." I admit to him.

"Please Niall." His voice cracks as he strains for the words to come from his mouth. His breathing becomes deeper.

"Im sorry." I croak.

I cant give up alcohol. I love Liam. Hes my everything since the day I met him. Alcohol takes away the pain of everything around me. It makes me numb. So does Liam's love. When Im around Liam, I feel a thousand times better. Sadly, I feel the same way about my alcohol.

I need my booze or Liam's love. I cant survive on nothing. Since Liam will never love me ever, I need my booze. Im not sure if I could ever give it up. The way it makes me feel is too good.

He sighs loudly. "Niall." He whispers.

I could tell he was crying. I couldnt break a lie and tell him Im never going to drink again. Sure, I lied to him about how Im going to stop cutting. But, hes not going to find out about that. Getting drunk every night is hard to hide.

"I just cant give it up." I admit. I realize im crying too. I wipe away my tears.

"Lets take you to bed."

He releases me from our hug. His eyes were red. He picks me up bridal style. I wrap my hands around his neck.

He carries me up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs he says something. "Youre really light Ni."

Obviously, I know hes lying. Im really fat afterall. Its just that hes probably been to the gym alot recently and been working out.

He brought me to my room and set me on my bed. From the moment I left his arms and hit my bed, I was ready to fall asleep.

"I love you Niall." He kissed my forehead.

"I love you too Li." I fell asleep right after I said that.