Suicidal [Narry/Niam]

Chapter 32

Niall's Pov:

I sat in my room for the rest of the day doing nothing. I spent the day motionless in bed or on my phone. I didn't have the energy or motivation to move. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell Harry. But I had to. This is going to kill me no matter what.

It was 7:00 and I haven't left my room since Louis kissed me. My stomach was growling. I know I shouldn't be eating especially at a time like now. I need something that will fill me up.

I reached into the box underneath my bed and grabbed a couple diet pills. I know I had some earlier but I should always have some before meals.

I departed my room, making sure I wouldn't run into anyone. I couldn't bare facing anyone at a time like this. I passed Zayn in the hallway on the way to the kitchen.

"Hey mate." He said.

Trying my best to act natural. "Uh, Hey... lad..." I said.

I scurried passed him quickly into the kitchen. Pausing for a moment, I needed to decide what I was going to eat. It had to be something quick. I remembered we had soup in the cabinet. I could microwave a bowl of soup in the microwave and just eat it in my room.

I reached into the cabinet and pulled out the can of soup. I poured the soup into the bowl and began to microwave it. The can told me to microwave it for 1:45. I knew that would be too long but for some reason, thats how long I put it in for. The microwave began buzzing. Right on que, I heard footsteps behind me.

"Hey Niall." The british lad said. It was Harry.

What am I going to do? "Uh, Hi Harry." I said.

"How are you?"

"Um... g-good. You?" I asked. I was fine from being 'good'. I was practically shaking.

I had a choice. I could tell Harry right now or I could hold my silence forever. I tried my best to weigh out my options in my head quickly.

If I tell him now, he would be hurt for a while and upset. If I tell him later, Lou might tell him before I had the chance too. He could lose his trust in me and be upset that Lou kissed me. But theres the chance that he may never find out about it. Bluntly, I decided I should tell him now.

I let go of my spoon, dropping it on the counter making a clacking sound. I turned around and leaned on the counter. Harry was watching me.

"Niall?" He asked curious.

I tried my best to tell him carefully and delicately. But thats not how things played out. "Lou kissed me."

His eyes displayed quick emotions of fear, hurt and betrayal before flashing back to a faded grey-green. They looked sad. Ive never seen them like that before.

"Okay." He said.

His eyes turned to the door and he walked out. All I did was watch him sluggishly leave the room. I felt terrible. I should have never let that kiss happen. Im a horrible person. Harry's probably really upset. I don't want to make things worse for him though. He probably never wants to talk to me again.

The microwave beeped indicating my soup was ready. I took it out of the microwave and placed it on the counter to the left. I looked at it for a moment.

Harry's eyes... The only time Ive really seen his eyes like how I just saw them before. Usually they're bright green, even when he's angry or upset. The only time Ive seen that dull green is when- I cut my thought process off.

I threw the spoon on the counter. I dashed upstairs as quickly as I could. Running through the hallway, pushing everything out of the way. I couldn't control myself. I got to Harry's door. His lock has always been broken so it wasn't a problem crashing into his room.

I found him in the dark, sitting on his bed. I left the door cracked behind me. Upon closer inspection, I saw him with a razor in his hand doing the unthinkable. He looked up and noticed me.

He stared at me for a moment, his eyes as dull as ever. We watched each other in silence. Many thoughts crossed my mind.

"H-Harry..."

"Please leave." His croaked. I took a step closer to him. "Niall." His voice cracked with a mixture of hurt and demand.

"Im not leaving." I told him.

I walked over to the bed where he lied. I sat next to his feet on the bed. He didn't care that I was sitting next to him. He slowly made a cut after another as I watched in horror. I tugged at the ones on my arm under my sleeve quickly causing a burst of pain through me. It made everything a bit easier.

I placed a hand on his stomach. "Harry. Please stop what you're doing."

"Why should I?" He snapped. He looked at me furiously.

"Because its not good for you to."

"Why not?" He answered sharply.

"You shouldn't be hurting yourself." I said.

"Why? So you or somebody else can hurt me instead?" He spoke up.

I tried my best not to let that one hurt me. But it did. I covered it up though.

"Harry." A tear fell down my cheek. "Don't hurt yourself."

His arm was covered in cuts. From his wrist to his elbow, it was filled. I tried my best not to watch him hurt himself, but I couldn't stop.

Knowing each cut he was doing, was because of me. It was because of me and Lou that he's doing this to himself. Mostly me though. It killed me inside. My heart physically hurt. But, I couldn't let him know that.

"I know you're upset." My eyes trailed from his arms to my lap. "You have every right to be. I cant stand the thought of you hurting yourself. I care about you a lot and I don't want to see you hurt yourself in any way."

He spoke up. "You love me and care about me you say?" I nodded slightly. "Maybe you should have thought about that before you went and kissed Louis!"

Nothing I could say could fix what I did. I hate myself so much for what I did. I don't want him to hurt himself at all.

My thoughts keep bringing me back to the day I found him on the floor with the rope around his neck. How I saw him look so hurt and upset and did nothing about it. I could have done something but I didn't.

Now, theres nothing I can do. I cant do anything to make him feel better.

I fucked up.