Suicidal [Narry/Niam]

Chapter 26

Niall's Pov:

"Niall! Watch your pitch! Ive told you this a million times!" He said to me. "Ugh, just take five everyone."

"Sorry." I whispered to myself.

The boys put their headphones down and leave the room. I trail behind slowly dragging my feet. Outside the studio room where we were recording, there was a couch and a table for food and drinks. Instead of sitting with the rest of the boys on the couch, I go straight to the bathroom. Tears were gathering in my eyes quickly. I enter the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

"Why cant I do anything right? Im the fuck up of the group. All the other boys aren't having any trouble with pitches or anything. Its just me." I whisper to myself. "Im worthless!" I shout and I slam my fists on the counter in front of me. Tears fall in front of me.

I scan the sinks and the counter. To the far right near the wall, I spot a sharp piece of plastic in the corner. I feel breathless. I walk over to the corner where the plastic is and pick it up. My tears weren't streaming down my face like they were a second ago. Instead, I look at bit at ease.

I left up my sleeve on my left arm. I drag the plastic across my wrist once. Feeling the pain makes me smile a bit. I feel better instantly. I pull it across again and again until my wrist is covered. Blood is pouring out of my skin. I wash it under the water and clean it. After a couple minutes the blood slows down but doesn't stop completely. I wrap paper towel around my wrist. I know it wont do much but, it might help. I pull down my sleeve and leave the bathroom like nothing happened.

I meet the boys outside the recording room.

"Ready?" Liam asks me before going in.

"Yeah." I tell him. I follow him into the room. I don't want to fuck up anymore. I just cant stop fucking up. I know once I get in there, the producer is just going to get angry with me.

Before we begin recording the chorus of the song, the producer speaks through the speaker. "Ready to take another shot at this? Remember to watch your pitch Niall!" How could I forget? He keeps reminding me. I look down at my shoes. I remind myself what the producer told me before we started.

"On the parts in unison, don't sing as loud. If you screw up, no one will be able to hear you. Its better for the group. If you're singing harmony, sing quietly. Got it?"

Im not going to fuck up. I cant keep screwing up. I clench my fists tightly. I feel someone hold my fist gently. I look to the left of me. Its Liam. He smiles at me.

"You'll do fine." He mouths to me. He smiles.

I smile back at him. I look up and we begin.

Once we finish I hear the producer through the speaker. "Niall come see me back here. The rest of you can wait go home."

I fucked up bad. Im just a fuck up completely. I cant do anything right.

I leave the studio and go to the room where the producer is watching us behind the glass. He smiles at me when he greets me. "Niall, you did better the second time but you still need a lot of work done though. Im going to put you back in a couple voice lessons. They're going to be three times a week. You've always had pitch problems but lately they've been growing a bit. I decided its for the best."

Oh great. Im back into voice lessons. Im so bad. Sometimes I wonder if I belong in this band. They might even be more famous if I wasn't in it. The other four boys are a lot better looking than I am. They're all really talented too. They actually deserve this. I don't.

"Okay. Thanks." I tell the producer before I leave the studio.

Liam's outside the room. "What happened? Is everything okay?" He asks me.

"Yeah everything's fine. Lets just go home." I brush passed him. He grabs my wrist.

"I know some-" He's cut off by me writhing in pain. "Niall whats wrong?"

Trying to cover up the fact I had cuts on my wrist, I lie to him. "I just hurt my wrist the other day. Its still kinda sore." I tell him.

"Oh Im sorry. I didn't kn-" I cut him off.

"Its fine. Lets go." He looks into my eyes for a second.

He lets out a sigh. "Fine."

We walk out to the car. Harry, Zayn and Louis all came in a different car than me and Liam did. On the way to the recording studio, me and Liam had a couple of nice talks. It was just really comforting being with him.

On the way home, it was a different story. The music was loud and we were silent. Something seemed off about Liam but I couldn't tell what was bothering him. Halfway on the ride home, he turns off the music.

He breaks the silence. "Are you cutting?" He asks me.

The question Ive been dreading forever. The moment I wish would never come. I dreaded this day for a long time. I couldn't tell Liam I was. No one besides Harry can know about my cuts. I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone besides him about it. Especially Liam. He'd probably think Im some sort of freak. He cant know.

"No." I respond weakly.

"Niall. I know you are. Its been bothering me and I just need to know." He says.

How the fuck did he find out? I don't think Harry would tell him.

"Im not. Don't worry." I try and convince him.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Im not convinced." He said pulling over on the side of the road. "Show me your wrists." He says.

Oh god no!

"What?" I ask him confused and panicked.

"You heard me. Show me your wrists." He said forcefully.

"This is absurd." I tell him.

"Niall." He sounds serious. I sigh. "I just worry. I care about you a lot. I need to know when something's not right. Ive known for a while something was off. You aren't your usual self. Your bright blue eyes aren't as full anymore. I cant even remember the last time I saw you genuinely happy. I love you. I don't want you to get hurt."

I look into his eyes. A tear forms in his. He's upset. I look down at my arm. Slowly, I pull up my sleeve. I hold out my hand to him. He unwraps the paper towel from my arm. I look away. I don't want to see the pain and horror in his face. I don't want to see him laugh at me either. I just don't want to be in this situation anymore.

"Niall." He whispers. I feel his finger trace the cuts on my arm. Every one of them. He pauses for a moment. I look over and he kisses my wrist where the new cuts from earlier are. "I don't want you to ever do this again. I want you to love yourself like how I love you. I don't want to believe it... But I have to. Do the other boys know?"

"Just Harry. Please don't tell them Liam. Please!" I beg him.

"I wont. As long as you promise not to hurt yourself again." He said. Im going to self harm in the future. He cant stop me. I love him but cutting just feels too good. I cant give it up. However, I know Liam wont be happy until I tell him I wont cut anymore. So thats what I do.

"I promise."