Life behind the fame; A Conor Maynard fanfiction

Chapter 44

Conor's POV 

I wake up, my body drenched in sweat and my heart racing in my chest. It's still dark outside and the time can't be more than five in the morning or something. This hadn't happened in months and I actually thought that I'd gotten over these breakdowns by now. Out of breath do I sit up on the edge of the bed, shaking slightly as I rub my puffy and tearstained face. It had been yet another nightmare and yet another panic attack in my sleep. 

Alaska is still asleep peacefully beside me, her calm breathing telling me that she'll continue to do so for a while and not even me being this desperate for her to hold me right now would make me want to wake her up. 

I'm so fucking tired still my mind is on overdrive, unable to relax enough for me to even be able to lie back down. It's so weird how your body can be on two so opposite levels on a scale, how you can be craving to get to sleep still wanting to run a bloody marathon at the same time. 

It had been my life for as long as I can remember now and I'm just so done with it you don't even understand. I'm fucked up without a reason because I have everything I could've ever asked for. I've got a girlfriend who loves me, a career, millions of fans, money to make me independent for the rest of my life and a bunch of friends and family that support me through everything. Still, each and every day I keep telling myself how I'm not good enough, I only seem to see the bad comments within the thousands of nice ones and I never take the time to show my appreciation towards my fans anymore. Honestly, I think I preferred it when I had a reason to be depressed, when I could blame it all on the breakup and everyone seemed to understand my pain. Now I'm supposed to be happy, I've got everything so why wouldn't I be and therefore people who I thought cared have left me. People that I thought meant something. 

I feel the lump in my throat growing as I try to get some more air into my next to none existent lungs. It hurts like a knife slicing up my insides as I force another deep breath, trying hard not to go into a proper panic mode. It's enough with one breakdown a day and I know my body is too exhausted to be able to make it through another one right now. 

"I can't breathe"

It comes out like a whisper, not that I meant for it not to but I don't think I'm able to talk any louder than that right now, my body beginning to properly shut down. Black creeps in the corners of my eyes and I just wish I'd be able to end it all right here. It's like you lose all the control over your own body and you suddenly don't know what's happening around you. All you can hear are those horrible voices that keep telling you how much of a mistake you are. 

"Conor?"

I ignore it, knowing that I'm only imagining stuff right now. My legs are numb from my waist down and I feel myself slowly but surely losing control over my breathing. Is this how it feels like to die, because damn is it painful dying.  

"Conor!"

"Shhh, I'm here, it's fine. I just want you to breathe with me, okay?"

Her voice is soft as I try my best to focus away from the stabbing pain in my chest. Feeling her hand against my skin is calming and soon enough do I find myself calming down ever so slightly. 

"That's it, slowly in and out"

Slowly the pain subsides, leaving me feeling all hallow, all empty almost as if every single part of me had disappeared with each and every breath that I'm releasing. 

Alaska wipes her thumb across my cheeks, probably wiping away the tears that hadn't even been aware of until now 

"I need to go to the studio"