Back to life

Part 22 therapy part 2 (Jordan)

We have just come back from the beach house break. After I confessed to Danny that I need and want help from them. They always say the first step of getting help is to admit you need it and want it. I feel a little better, a little happier. I am not so angry and withdrawn as I was. I am sat on porch of Jon's farm looking over the fields. It has been ages since I ventured outside the house on my own accord. I have Jon's journal in my hand about the first couple of therapy sessions. I just realize how Jon knew about these sessions and how he got the paperwork. After remembering about ultimatum. He personally dragged me to some of therapy sessions to make sure my drunk angry self went. I now don't blame him for it. He was looking out for me where I wouldn't care less where I was. As I read what he put, I was remembering it through my own eyes.

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Therapy session 2

I am sat on the couch in the corner of my eye I see Jon glaring at me from the corner where he sat. I wish they would leave me alone. They are both looking at me. Wait did I just say that out loud. Oh crap!. 

"Why do you mean that?" Oh crap, they did hear me. I looked at the ground trying not answer the question. I fiddled with my hands in a nervous way and ran one through my messy hair. I wanted not to be here. It is a waste of time doing this. This all showed in the way I was sitting as I was getting fidgety. They were still waiting for a reply from me. I couldn't find one. 

"Dunno" rubbing the back of my neck with my hand like I do when nervous. I am so fidgety.

"Why are you here?".

"Got dragged here again" . I glared at Jon "I don't know why I am here? I don't have a problem. I am not a problem". There was a sigh and then a groan from the corner. 

"It doesn't sound that way if you were dragged in as you say, Jordan. There must be something".

"I am not Jordan anymore just Jay now ".

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When I changed my name to hide from my fear, it really annoyed my band mates, friends and family as I would get angry when they called me by my old name. They had started calling me by my nickname J. Sometimes they will call me Jordan when I didn't noticed and they still do that now.

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"That's the problem right there". The voice said from the corner. I knew it was Jon.

"What does he mean by that? In your own words". 

"Oh cos they are mad I changed it. I get annoyed when they call me by that name. It reminds me of what happened and I don't want to remember" .

"Why don't you want to remember?". I shrugged I haven't got a clear answer to the question "Now does it have something to do with you being angry with everyone as you were apparently left to last to be found and had something to do also with the feeling of being left alone, sense of abandonment. Do you feel like you were abandoned?". I nodded "Well there is a start. Well from I have been told by hospital staff and first responsers to the accident. They couldn't find you, you were no where to be seen. They didn't know where to start and that's why it took so long. They had to back track where the bus had been to where it stopped. The reason why you were not found with the others is that you weren't even on the bus. You some how got thrown through the window possibly by where you were sat but they are not sure. You were under some wreckage basically pinned down by wreckage on your leg and torso. You were found about fifty feet away from the main wreckage".

I looked at him angry "Well they didn't look hard enough now did they?. People left me for dead. I didn't know how long I was there for as I couldn't tell what day is was. I didn't know if anyone was coming for me. I thought I was going die on my own" .I was really getting angry now, the angry tears started to flow. Jon noticed and came over to soothe me but I shoved him away as I didn't want his sympathy now, not ever. "Part of Jordan died on that bus that day. When I woke up I wasn't me. I was just a different person. I couldn't remember my kids, my wife (Jon looked at me with a worried look on his face. I didn't know why). I lost 32 years of my life and I didn't know one of my band mates cos I thought I was a teenager. God I thought I was 15 and that the band only started"

"That is normal with Post Traumatic Amnesia. The loss of memories send you back to a vulnerable state but being child like is a comfort and safe zone".

"That is one reason. The other reason is you look at me now then look at me before the accident there is a very big difference. Jay is fat and heavy drinker does not look at all like a heart throb, has very messy hair and looks scruffy. Then there's Jordan who lean and muscular a better looking heart throb and looks after his image. Jordan dresses better than Jay, nice clothes while Jay stays in sweat pants. He is also happy not angry nor depressed. That's just not me anymore". The last 3 months I put on a lot of weight. I feel really uncomfortable with myself and have started to take it out on everybody. I was more drunk than sober these days too. I was pissed now , no really angry.

"Listening to this , I know that you were diagnosed with PTSD. You show most signs in that speech of yours depression anxiety and anger. We now know where to start. We have a long road to go and quite a few sessions to get through". I really don't want to be here this is not helping at all. I just want to be left alone. I blame everyone else. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM NOR HAVE A PROBLEM.

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That's was when I didn't think I wasn't the problem and I was very angry with everyone. That is what happens with PTSD. Since I broke down and confessed I needed help with all my problems. I now know I AM THE PROBLEM AND I DO HAVE A PROBLEM. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN ANYMORE. HELP ME.

A/N sorry for the long update. I have been writing up this part and the next part. Then reading both over and over again to make them right. Enjoy.