Back to life

Part 32 NIGHTMARES and night tremors

A/N Need to read parts 29 and 30 if you haven't already before you read this one.

I have been told to write down any of the nightmares and night tremors I can remember when I have them. We are trying to work why when and how. See if there is a meaning to them.

===========================

The first nightmare was us on the bus. Because I was asleep is was all dark but I could feel everything and hear everything. There was crunching of metal. I was flying . When I landed I was cold and felt alone. I tried to call out but no one came. It was so dark and lonely . I could feel pain in my leg and torso. There was blood everywhere. It was like I was looking down at myself. Looking at myself under the wreckage. I can't see where the bus. I am so alone. I am getting really cold. That's when I see a bright light and I start to close my eyes....

Always wake up at the this point screaming. It's the one I have the most but sometimes the ending changes. I think nobody is coming for me and that I am going to to die out there. This one has become frequent since they tried to get me back in a tour bus.

=============================

Second nightmare was us on the bus. Because I was awake this time but it still dark, I could feel everything and hear everything. There was crunching of metal. I was flying . When I landed I was cold and felt alone. I tried to call out but no one came. It was so dark and lonely . I could feel pain in my leg and torso. There was blood everywhere. It was like I was looking down at myself. Looking at myself under the wreckage. I can't see where the bus. I am so alone. I am getting really cold. That's when I see a bright light but this time I walk towards the bright light as I start to close my eyes but wake up screaming.

================================

Third nightmare was us on the bus. Because I was asleep is was all dark but I could feel everything and hear everything. There was crunching of metal. I was flying . When I landed I was cold and felt alone. I tried to call out but no one came. It was so dark and lonely . I could feel pain in my leg and torso. There was blood everywhere. It was like I was looking down at myself. Looking at myself under the wreckage. I can't see where the bus. I am so alone. I am getting really cold. That's when I see a bright light and I walk away from the light. I start to close my eyes.

===============================

Another nightmare is where I wake up but find that I have lost my left leg below the knee. I woke up screaming I even woke up Jon that night. I had to check and make sure my leg was still there.

=============================

Another one is where I an on tour and standing center stage and I forgot what I was doing in front of thousands of fans.

==============================

I had one nightmare where we were on the Magic summer tour in the early 90s and we had a bus crash then. But this time it was halfway through the tour. And I lost my leg in that one too.

===============================

I am finally in hospital after being found out. I think I have been watching too many movies with death. I am looking at myself lying on the bed as Doctors are trying to save me. I can see Joe on his knees outside the room crying. Then there is are alarms going off.
'We are losing him' I hear them saying. They carry on giving me CPR trying to keep me alive. I wake up before I know I am dead or not.

===============================

In this nightmare I have , all my family friends and the rest of band minus Jon come in to say their goodbyes. I am standing in the background watching on. There I am lying on the bed with wires and tubes coming off me in every direction all over my body and head. I have a tube coming out of my mouth that was supposed to help me breathe. When the guys come there was only Danny,Donnie in a wheelchair and Joe. There was no Jon. Where was Jon?.
'Jon wasn't allowed to come because of his back injury and he has just recovered from having surgery. He will have his way of saying goodbye soon. He is still out of it. They didn't know you would not make it before he was well enough to visit you' . I didn't properly wake up to this one although I remembered it. This was a night terror. Jon found me screaming trashing and crying in my sleep. When I saw him in the morning he had a black eye where my swinging arms and fists caught him in the face.

===============================

In this nightmare I have , all my family friends and the rest of band minus Jon come in to say their goodbyes. I am standing in the background watching on. There I am lying on the bed with wires coming off me in every direction. I have a tube coming out of my mouth that was suppose to help me breathe. When the guys come there was only Danny,Donnie in a wheelchair and Joe. There was no Jon. Where was Jon?.
'Jon wasn't allowed to come because of his back injury and he has just recovered from having surgery. He will have his way of saying goodbye soon. He is still out of it. They didn't know you would not make it before he was well enough to visit you' . I woke up to this one before they switched off life support. Jon found me screaming trashing and crying in my sleep just before I woke up screaming. When I saw him in the morning he had a black eye where my swinging arms and fists caught him in the face for a second time.

===============================

As I been doing this for a while. They are still ongoing. I sit with Phil my therapist going over some of the entries I have written.

"Your nightmares of you being wounded and injured with scars and deformities like losing your leg can mean your brain is trying to tell you to some vulnerability that needs to be sorted. The dreaming of death symbolizes ending to something like a phase". I was trying to take it. It did scare the crap out of me. "Because of the fear and vulnerability of the accident are overwhelming. You may have nightmares for a while as your mind keeps working away at integrating your feelings. When it does the nightmares will hopefully go. Because of your PTSD, you have nightmares because of the stress, depression and anxiety". I just want it all to go away. My nightmares were trying to tell me about stuff that is going on in my head. I want it to stop.I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life if I don't recover. I have gone from denial, to anger while blaming everyone but me and now acceptance.