Back to life

Part 35 J's letter

The last entry of the journal

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I sit in the office at my brother's place trying to write something for my journal. I glance around the room as I have made a mess in here. I will need to clear up before I leave or I will feel the wrath of Mr OCD, we are so the opposites, he is very clean and I am messy. If you had seen our bedroom when we were kids or our shared hotel room or even our tour bus you wouldn't believe we were brothers. His side was always clean and tidy but mine looked like a bomb had hit it. I stared at the mess, crumbled up balls of paper litter the room, some from trying to write this in my journal and also I have started writing songs again. I haven't touch one since before the accident over 15 months ago. I still get nervous and anxious with the band as it stills affects my feelings towards my memories of the accident. I can now piece most of that fateful day of the accident. I still have problems with memory especially short term memories and new information. As we are rehearsing songs for the cruise the other guys have been helping me plus I have it going in my ear to help me remember. I know we have ways of helping me through my problems of memory caused by my traumatic brain injury. It does made me very depressed because of it and I am worried I will fucked it up. I still think they should have carried on without me as I will only bring it crashing down. There are days that I feel like an old man on the block as I have to walk with a stick now and then as my damaged left leg is and will be always a problem. There was nerve damage so it is weak and I stumble when tired especially with our rehearsals. I am too stubborn to stop. I am not weak and don't want to be classed as one. There is still two weeks until cruise 10. I have a lot of work to do. I want to be me again.

This is so hard to write. So here goes.......

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To whom it concerns

I am so sorry. I know I have been a pain from the moment I woke up from my coma. I am grateful and thankful for all help and guidance even though I was no help. I still have problems with keeping my emotions in check. I am sorry when I get angry and frustrated but my brain is still relearning to cope. I am afraid I may never be that whole person that everyone knows and likes. Please let me get there. I want to be there. I still need help from everyone. I am sorry I that I can be a total douche bag at times. And I know I have been the biggest pain in the ass for over a year. I am still coping with the idea I may never be truly recover from the accident. I am not talking about my physical injuries cos I know they will be there for life. I am meaning my mental injuries where I can't remember things like new routines, new songs or even people's names. I am worried that I am not going remember many of the fans especially the ones who remember where they met you before. I am scared I am going to upset them. I hope they will all understand.

I will try to a better person but I am finding it still hard as my brain is still recovering. I have to accept that I will never fully recover. I am scared because of it as if it becomes a big problem I may have to quit the thing that I enjoy. I still have times where my mood changes suddenly. I am scared it will happen on the cruise in front of fans and then I will ruin the band because of it. I am also scared that my leg will not hold out for the tour next year let alone the cruise in 2 weeks. I am screwed. I know now that some of my problems have come from feeling abandoned when everyone was found way before me and I blamed all my problems on everyone else. now I have a recognition of the accident and badly injured I was, I now know how worried everyone was about me. God I nearly died in front of Joe three times, one was my fault.

I am sorry I changed my name and got angry when everyone called my by my proper name. I was only doing that to get away from the memories of the crash. Hoping it would all go away. I am sorry if I offended you. But it's my name and I can change it if I wanted too.