Back to life

Part 19 Present time - May 2018 the beach part 1

It was late May now I have been to counseling since February. I still feel it's a waste of time and I don't feel any different. I definitely don't look any different, still with the sweat pants and baggy t shirt. I have been moping around Jon's farm since Christmas well mainly in the house. I only go out for doctor appointments and counseling. Sometimes the counselor comes here when I refuse to leave the house. The guys are getting worried about me again as my problems have gotten worse again since I have reading their journals and the nightmares are back. I have been spending most of my time avoiding them and my family and friends. I hide away from everything. Jon and the others are also worried that I am starting to get agoraphobia if I am not careful. I know I am getting more depressed and anxious so of course back on the medication. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.

Jon had an idea of going to the beach house with a private beach. They all off getting packed for the trip but me, I am hiding in my room, not wanting to go. I really feeling low self confidence at the moment with the scars of my injuries. I don't want anyone to look at them ,to even know they are there. Plus my eating habits have changed since the accident either I look like I have lost a lot weight when I can't eat anything or gained a lot through over eating and drinking a lot. The latter I did between the cruise and New Year. Now I have lost too much weight. I am just wasting away. I am worried I am going to gain too much weight. My toned body is gone I am just skin and bones which is why the baggy t shirt to hide it.

Now they all want to go the beach as break before we all start working together on new stuff. There is the other problem of mine is getting back into the band. Now going to the beach just wearing shorts and no top on, apparently last year I would have clearly done that. Now I scared of doing that. I wonder what people would say about my scars and the way I look.

"J you ready!".

"No cos I am not going".

"Why not the whole band is going?. Would you be happier if it just us".

"NO" I glared at him "I don't want to go. I am happy here".

"You're going as we are doing this for you so you get out of the house".

"I don't want to". I start to put on a hoodie to hide my securities over my body. Then I blab it all out. "I am scared. I don't want anybody to see me, to see my scars and my weight problem. I don't like the way I look anymore. I don't have nice toned body anymore. I have gone and there is someone else in my place I feel like". Jon just looks at me taking in what I have just said.

"But this will break will do you some good. Hey, we will only go for a day and a night. Then we see how it goes. You can wear a t shirt or vest top if you feel uncomfortable. There are ways around it. And we do need you to eat properly as well".

"I do" I lied.

"No, you don't and you know it. Just look at you. No wonder you are self conscious about your looks" he replied "Get packing cos they will be here at any minute". I just stood there.

I hear the others arriving, I haven't packed yet and don't want to. I jump back in bed and hide under the covers. I am not being a big child but I don't want to leave where I feel comfortable and safe. I hear a knock on the door but pretend not to hear it.

"J you ready".

"Go away". I hear the door opening and in steps one of them. I bet its Jon to drag my ass out. No its not.

"C'mon Jordan. We are all ready and waiting downstairs" replied Donnie.

"OK, see you later. Have fun and enjoy yourselves. Don't talk about me much. I know you all are downstairs talking about me" I replied under the covers. Suddenly the covers get pulled off me "Hey, what fuck Donnie. I could be have naked under here".

"Nothing I haven't seen before and I knew you weren't anyway. Get up before I let the big bro bear loose. He is not very happy downstairs. This is all for you".

In no time I am sat in Danny's jeep sandwiched between Donnie and Joe. This is going to be a fun weekend not! I cant look out of the window cos either one of them is looking at me. I just look down at my lap hoping the journey will end. It wasn't long until we got there. Both Donnie and Joe took their time getting out when we got there to my annoyance. Once I got the chance I bolted.

"Hey, what about your bag?".

I ran to furthest bedroom and slammed the door. I didn't realize I was to share until Jon appeared in the doorway with both bags.

"Don't think you're having a room to your self as there are only 4 rooms". I groan and look away "You're the one who needs help". I glare at him.

Later that evening Joe and Danny were building a campfire on the beach. I was watching from the window I didn't venture out yet. They were all out there in almost summer evening wearing shorts and t shirts while I am here in sweat pants and a hoodie covering myself up. I soon got dragged outside by Joe.

"C'mon J dinner is ready and then we are going to roast marshmallows".

"How old are Joe? And no thanks not hungry".

"Get outside and eat something" came a voice behind Joe.

"You can't make me Jon".

"I can cos I am bigger than you at the moment".

"Yeah cos you're fatter than me".

"At least I don't look like I am wasting away. I don't need baggy clothes to make me look normal" I squared up to him. Donnie came in and stood in between us.

"C'mon guys no fighting. Let's go and eat. I thought we were suppose to enjoy this break and not start fighting".

I had a burger which surprising tasted good so I went for another and then another.

"Hey J slow down. You're going to make yourself sick if you carry on. If you haven't eaten much recently. Be careful".

Well I didn't listen as I ran into the house and threw up everywhere. I have never been so embarrassed well being hungover is different.

Later I went to our room to go to bed. I got into my bed as Jon came in.

"Goodnight Jon". Nothing. He just got into his bed and turned off the light. For a while I laid there with my eyes opened thinking about things and how guilty I felt before sleep consumed me too.