Back to life

Part 30c therapy 3 tour bus

 If we are ever going on tour I somehow have to get on the bus. I never been near one since the accident. It gives me nightmares and flashbacks just thinking about it. The way they did was to get me to Fenway park to watch baseball as a group. I was oblivious to what they were really doing. After the game we were to hang with the other VIPs and team. What I didn't know at the time was that we were not going there. What we were doing was going to the part of the stadium where the teams get off their buses and cars.

As we came around the corner was the bus like the one we had on tour. Actually it was one of the other buses we had. They thought it would be more realistic. I froze when I saw it. I stepped backwards as I do so I stepped on Danny's foot.

"Ow" when he knew what I was doing. He pushed me towards the bus "Oh no you don't".

"I am not getting on. And you lot can't make me". I tried to breathe and started to shake. I was sweating. Joe and Donnie don't care what I am doing, they open the door and go in. They disappear in and so does Danny. It just leaves us, me and Jon outside the bus.

"You coming J". He then disappears into the bus. I am left on my own outside. Joe stuck his head out of the door.

"Are you coming as there is something for you on the table. You won't get it unless you come inside the bus". Blackmail. I shake my head no "It's really important. There is news for you". I took a step towards Joe, I was shaking with every step. Now I was just outside the door of the bus. I was started to panic and shaking. The only thing to hold onto was the bus and I couldn't do it.

I don't know what happened next but all I can remember is wondering why I am lying on something soft and comfortable when I was outside of the bus. I opened my eyes to everyone looking at me. Then I realize I am lying on one of the beds on the bus. I panic again and thrashing around. Jon puts one of his hands on my chest to soothe me.

"J you blacked out outside so this way you were comfortable until you woke up. Sorry if it's on the bus". I moved his hand and try to get up to get out of there. I stood up shakily and went to leave. Donnie stood in my way.

"Oh no you don't" he replied.

"We are here to help you".

"Time to get this sorted".

"We want our Jordan back. Not this Jay guy. We want our shy, quiet, kind, goofball back" said Joe sadly.

"He's gone".

"Stop saying that. No he isn't , he is still there trying to get out but this Jay guy is blocking him out. Why J?" replied Donnie.

"I don't know why. I am scared I guess. Reminds me of the crash and all my injuries and problems. It was easier to shut him out and not remember. The nightmares and tremors got so much I couldn't sleep, I breathe and I started not to feel like me. I want to be me again but it's so hard after shutting him out. The memories of the crash still hurt" I cried " I lost everything".

"No you haven't . We are still here . You still have family". I looked at him as I wanted to hurt him "I know Jordan, you lost your boys and marriage". Danny put his hands up as if to surrender.

"Maybe not" replied Jon"Here". He gives me an envelope.

"That's what I was talking about" said Joe.

I sat on the seat and opened the envelope and read the letter inside. They all look at me as I start grinning like a mad man.

Dear Dad

We have missed you so much. We know why you and mom aren't together now and we also know the reason why. We don't blame you for any of it. My college friend told me all about brain injuries and post traumatic amnesia. She also told me all about PTSD. Why didn't you tell us and confided with us, your family. I now know why you didn't recognize us in hospital. I am ok with it as I am a lot older than my brother. He is still hurt by it. We both hope you get the help you need. We would like to help too.

On a lighter note summer is coming up and I would like to spend it with you,dad. I am nearly 19 now and an adult so I don't need mom's consent to stay with you and uncle Jon but baby brother does. He really wants to live you not mom. We know that it not possible because of the divorce and you off working everywhere. But we both want to live with you. We want to make you better. We want to be with you dad.

Love DJ

I give the letter to Jon who read it and gave me a hug.
"Go and get them. Be a family again" he whispered in my ear. I smile but that changes when I remember that Christmas day. I think to that day and I totally forgot I was even on the tour bus.