Back to life

Part 27 Therapy after the huge mistake

Phil looked at my sorry ass from where he sat. He sat there with his notebook wanting to write whatever I am going to say. I still feel a bit nauseous from my stupidity the other night. I still remember waking up with an angry looking Jon. His face changed to a kinder lighter one when I broke down as I was saying sorry.

"I can't believe you were even that stupid J. Why did you do it?. How could you be so selfish? You scared the crap out of Joe cos he found you on the floor. He thought you were dead. I guess you didn't know he was the first to know you were found. He watched you go into the hospital with a doctor giving you CPR . Last night he was the one doing it ,screaming for me cos you stopped breathing and turning blue. He wouldn't leave your side all night. He still here asleep in the chair". I looked over and there he was still sleeping even though Jon is screaming at me.

"I am sorry Jon. I made a huge mistake and wasn't thinking"

"Damn right you weren't thinking".

"All I wanted to do was numb the pain not end my life. You have to believe me" I said in between trying to breathe and sobbing. The tears were rolling down my cheeks. I start to hyperventilate.

"Ssh Jordan. Just let us help you. Please. We have all been begging. Why didn't you tell us were getting depressed again. You were doing so well since the beach break we had. You started to laugh again and be you again". I felt something on my bed.

"You're awake again. I thought you were gone the third time" cried Joe wrapping his arms around me in a hug "Please don't go, Jordan"

"I am here. Wait a third time. Jon told me last night and when I arrived at hospital". 

"A week after you arrived at hospital".

"Wait I don't remember" Jon confused.

"You were sleeping. They kept you like that. They were worried about you too".

Now I am here in therapy on my own this time it has been like this for a while now.
"What happened the other night?" He replied. Wait no one was supposed to know about that. The doctor and the band know about it not  being exhaustion. Even my mom doesn't know what I did. Jon won't tell her either.

"I did a stupid thing. I wasn't thinking and I just wanted the pain to go away". I look down at floor.

"What pain, physical or mental pain?"

"I found that I was divorced but had no memory of it. I was angry and sad at the same time. It hurt so much. So I drank a bottle of whisky thinking it would numb the pain. It didn't work so I found my painkillers and took some. I mixed with them with my brothers which I did not know were stronger. All I wanted was the pain to go away not to have everyone think I tried to end my life, that wasn't my intention. I made a mistake, a big mistake, a huge one. My emotions are so messed up, one minute I cry and next I'm angry. I try and let people help me but I forget and get all confused. It's been 11 months since the accident. I don't feel any better. My other injuries have healed but not my brain. Why does it take so long? I want to feel like me again. I want to be me again. I will probably forget this later".

"Why don't we talk about your injuries then?. We haven't really done that yet. Every session has been about your mental health rather than talk about your physical health. I mean getting you mentally fit to enjoy being in the band again and enjoy your own life too. So have you been told everything about the damage your head injury caused your brain" . I shook my head. Phil walked over to a shelf in the back of the room and picked up a model of a multi colored brain. He came back with it. "OK from my notes the hospital gave me, they say you damaged the front part of your head which is where the frontal lobe is". Phil points to it on the model brain. "This part of the brain controls and affects motor function, language, memory, personality, emotions and behavior. This part of the brain makes you, basically you. You damaged your frontal lobe in the accident. It takes a long time to recover from this type of injury and many people may not fully recover. But in the four months I have gotten to know you I seen improvements. What you have to know ,of course hard on you as it's your body, your brain but it affects your love ones too, family and your friends. It can be just a hard on them as it is for you. Don't forget that". Too late lost my family. Hearing about not recovering fully I may lose the band too. "What about your other injuries ?"he replied "How are they holding up?"

"Just scars on my stomach now. My scars are a problem , feel like people will stare at them and I cover them up to stop it". Can I just shut up now. Big mouth stop moving. "The scar on my leg is the worse. It was so messed up. It still hurts now and then. I limp now and then when I am tired. Still don't how it would hold on a tour. It was OK for the cruise and dancing was only short bursts. I am scared it won't hold up and I have to stop doing it all. I am then scared I have nothing". Shut up just shut up. Stop talking now. Really can't you be quiet. You start babbling it out, it's never going to stop. J just shut up now.

"Have you done any dance routines yet to see if it holds up to your standard". I shake my head no. "Are you scared that you can't do it or can't remember them".
"Both". Geeze shut up J.

"Right you need to do to help you mentally and physically is to go and try a routine. Try a newer one to help with your short term memory" he replied "As you are worried and self conscious of your scars and what people think of you with them. It is going to make you depressed and anxious and avoiding social activities because of it. I have noticed that you are putting the weight back on again and looking normal again which is good. Changes in eating habits is due to depression. All though your mood swings is caused mainly by your brain injury but depression affects it as well". I just looked at him. Can you not tell J that he talking the truth. You have been depressed for months almost hidden from sight at times. "I am going to talk to your doctor about your medication for your depression. But we have to be careful as you have o/d on medication. I think you need to be back on it again". Is it ever going to stop. I want to me again.