Back to life

Part 34 after the TV appearance

Please read Part 33 before you read this part.

After my meltdown front of a TV audience on the today show my performance anxiety came back with a vengeance. I can't sing even in front of the guys. They were going to help me through little steps and through mediation and mindfulness. Through my counseling I had too kept a journal where I wrote down all my feelings and actions. In there was our plan all the steps we are going to take for me to be able to perform again. I am depressed over the incident on the today show. I still can't believe I did that. I was very nervous on the Arsenio show back in the day where we went on to show that we do and can sing live. I started off shaky at least I sang. I do underrate my singing ability sometimes.

Donnie is going to help with step one. I am standing in the room with sunglasses and a cap on. I have ear plugs in too. All I was to do stand behind the microphone stand. In the corner was my keyboard. I manage a few minutes before starting to shake and tremble. Donnie walked out with me. We kept doing that until I felt comfortable doing so even with just sunglasses on. We finished session with me putting my hand on the mike. Donnie gives me a pat on the back.
"That's a start". I half smile back at him. There is a long road ahead. We got the whole summer of this before the cruise.

Step two was with Joe as well. But to start with he is in the background where I can't see him. There are now two microphone stands next together. So its me and Donnie standing next to each other. I can do this, I can't do this. So I walk off stage shaking and sweating. It takes us the whole day for me to do this. We finish with me standing next to Donnie who was singing with Joe in the background.

Step three was with both Joe and Donnie standing next to me either side of me singing. I was again wearing baseball cap and glasses minus the ear plugs.

Step four was me singing the chorus with them. Donnie put his arm around me as I was shaking. We weren't even singing one of our songs yet.

BAND = BUS CRASH = PAIN AND NIGHTMARES. This was written in my journal by my therapist. This is true the band was bringing up memories of the crash.The reason why I blocked out everything including changing my name. I wanted to be away from all that, to hide from my fears which in time affected everything including my marriage too.

Step five included Danny. Doing the same as step two and three where Danny was doing what Joe was doing. The end of step four sessions there were four of us stage. This has been taking several weeks to do through steps one to four.

Step six included my brother Jon. Again he was doing what both Joe and Danny did. In the end was all five of us on stage together. I was again baseball cap sunglasses and ear plugs.

Step seven me singing a lead part in the dark. This took the longest as we repeating step one to five.

Step eight was me singing one of my own songs. We picked 'Never alone'. I couldn't do it I was shaking, sweating, forgetting lyrics. We got through it when I turned around and told them they were singing it wrong.

STEP NINE a new kid song. We went through some old ones I remember when and Cover girl. I could do that all in the dark. But when it came to doing Valentine girl I couldn't.

Step ten Valentine girl with lights on. But I had all my comfort gear on. Nobody else was there with us.

Step eleven back with the lights off singing If you go away but me not noticing family and friends sitting in the dark.

Step twelve as step eleven with the lights went on through my lead. I froze and ran off stage. I got walked back on stage by Jon of all people. We went through it again but Donnie was holding onto me.

Step thirteen a mini concert with a few songs. I was getting frustrated with myself as I would freeze every time the lights went on. Joe said a funny joke we will have to do all our shows in the dark for me to sing. I hit him for that one. For the next few days he wouldn't speak to me as I gave him a black eye.

Step fourteen I did the whole mini concert with friends and family in normal concert setting.

Step fifteen me singing I'll be loving you forever. I couldn't do it. Nobody could sing the high parts. So this was the tester. I had to do it or this song would be lost.

By the time September came around I could perform in front of friends and family. We needed to see if I could in front of fans for the cruise. We were going to wait for a while. At the moment I am sat in front of my keyboard playing some notes. Nobody else is here but me. I start playing I'll be loving you forever as I am doing this I don't realize I start singing the whole thing. When I finish the song I hear clapping and cheering. I turn around there were the guys.

"Just like that J. Plus all the dirty dancing you do too during Hard, Baby I believe in you, Give it to you and Kiss" I stare at him looking petrified. Donnie chuckled at me and I playfully punch Donnie in the arm for the remark. I am slowly feeling better. It's going to take time as the band affects my memories and nightmares. Got to think of the happy times. Or they will have to do this without me. But they aren't going to let me quit anyway. I got to be OK with this as this is the only life I know being a musician, an artist and a performer.