Back to life

Part 29 therapy and leg problems

Back with Phil a week later. Sessions have been getting more intense now with all new techniques on mediation to help with my depression and anxiety which is all caused by my PTSD. Where we did some therapy outside his office in a recording studio and an arena, I haven't been sleeping very well. Which is OK cos I live with another insomniacs named Jon. We sit up all night talking through my problems. So I add sleeping problems to my list now too. 

"How has it been since I last saw you last week?"

"It's been alright  I guess".

"Have you tried to do what I asked you to do with the problem  of the leg?" I look away from him. "Have you even tried Jordan". I nodded but still wouldn't look at him. 

There I was with the other guys in a dance studio like we do to practice our routines for tours.

"What do you want to run through J? Newish or old school routine". I shrug my shoulders. I don't know as I getting a bit anixous what if all goes wrong and I can't do this. I nervously run my hand through my hair several times before someone notices.

"You need to stop that or you will have no hair left. You will be bald not just got short hair like months ago". I find another way to release my nervous energy by pacing. 

"J you're gonna wear a hole in the floor doing that". Can't they just leave me alone, all I am doing is trying to release this nervous energy or I am outta here. 

"We to do something before Mr Nervous Energy becomes a problem". 

" We need to pick a song and just get on with it". Joe walks over to the iPod deck and turned on a song. It was the wrong one. The lyrics came blaring out of the speakers..... 

You're in my headlights,

You've been shinning all night.

Ignore the stop signs,

Let's go lose control .

Cause these are the days of the times of our life,

And we're gonna crash into it tonight.

We got let the music and our bodies collide, 

Get ready to blast off,

It was one of two songs that I can't listen to anymore. I turned white and looked like I was going to pass out, Joe realized the song ran and leaped at the deck to change the song. 

"I am so sorry J. It came on through the shuffle". Summertime came on instead. The others started it off and I watched seeing if I remembered from the reunion tour. I joined in, it wasn't a hard one so I could easily do it. Next song came on Step by step. This one is a little harder as we are moving with our legs same  with The right stuff which we tried next. My left leg started to ache. We did some more routines. As I was getting tired I started to stumble and the leg started to give away and I fell onto the floor. I got frustrated I hit the floor with my hands and shook off  anyone trying to help. I want to this,I can do this. Why won't my leg let me?. 

"So what happened? What was the outcome in the end with your leg?"

"Firstly I came in today with crutches as I have to rest it. The doctor says I have some nerve damage, it is caused by the wreckage landing on my leg but also the operation had damaged a nerve. I have had a MRI scan which didn't show much. I haven't really noticed until I was doing more on it that there was a problem. I was drinking on the cruise to numb the pain. When we were walking in the woods it was aching and tingling but after a massage it was fine. I am worried it's not going to get better along with my brain injury. I am worried about me not recovering properly and have to give up my life of music".

"It won't come to that. If it does you won't be able to dance. You can still sing with no problem". 

"But the group. We still do". 

"Have you ever thought more about the meanings to your nightmares?"

"No".

"You were  a little hesitate in your answer".

"I have been having more nightmares and no sleep because of it". 

"Same one".

"Yes and no. Different ones with different endings".  

"Do you want to tell me them or do you want to write them down. There is always a meaning to dreams and to nightmares as well". I shake my head to neither. I don't want to know. "I think it's best to at least write them down to what you remember. As there is always a meaning to them. It might help with healing. Do need to keep an eye on it if they get worse may turn into night tremors unless they have already. Why can't I have my life to where it was before the crash. I feel like I am being punished. I can remember the old songs and the old routines. I remember the ones from back in the day. The really old ones. I don't remember any of the new routines and really find it hard to remember and keep new stuff in my head. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. Like it falls out of my head. I can't deal this anymore. The others have been great and very understanding when I fuck up everything. 

"I want you to write down your nightmares and when you get them. We are going to work together to find how and why" replied Phil my therapist. Will this ever stop. It's been nearly a year since the accident.