I Hate You (Larry Stylinson) ✅

37. normal

July 25

Louis POV

A/n: hey sorry I have been MIA - I was vacationing in Canada. Lots of fun seeing Niagara Falls and Toronto But now I'm back. Canada is not so different from the US, though they do have a more European culture than us in my opinion. Anyways, Just wanna send a huge thank u to all my readers, especially those who have been there since day one. I never expected this story to get much attention but there's all of you lovely people voting and commenting and I SEE YOU GUYS. You're awesome! So thank you. Also this is just a reminder that no matter what you're going through- eating disorder, self harm, depression, literally anything- that you can make it through. As you can see in this story, recovery is not always a linear path. There's a lot of ups and downs but small changes lead to progress and we should be proud of ourselves for that.

Now let's get to the story, shall we?

***
It's been a few weeks since I moved out of Harry's place and I can't tell if I feel better or worse. On the one hand, it's nice to have some personal space and time to myself. I love Harry and I still see him a ton, but it's also good to give ourselves room to breathe as we try to work through the shit going on in our heads.

That's not to say it's been entirely wonderful. Liam can be a bit of a worrying dad at times, and I've had to straighten things out with him more than once. He's agreed to let me cook and eat when I want, so long as I'm following my meal plan. He also lets me work out in the apartment occasionally. But one thing he wouldn't compromise on was football.

"Lou, honestly," he said, taking a seat next to me before we headed out to practice yesterday. "You Can do whatever you want. You have your own free will. But I really don't think you should continue football."

"But—" I interjected as I laced up my cleats. I just got football back in my life. There was no way I was going to quit.

"Shh, Louis just hear me out," Liam said. His amber eyes connected with mine and I could tell he wasn't joking around. "It's not good for you. It's causing you to relapse. It's messing with your mind. Trying to be a ripped footballer is what started this whole thing... it's just not healthy."

"I know," I replied, pouting my bottom lip. "But i love football. You know I love it, Liam. I'm getting better. Why take that away from me? Why punish me for getting better?"

"Because," Liam replied, taking a deep breath. "It's too triggering. You aren't ready to workout yet. You're using it as a punishment, Lou."

"I am not!" I replied, though if I was being honest with myself, he wasn't too far off the mark. I had been using football to punish myself, not just physically but mentally.

And to be truthful, I was tired. Tired of forcing myself to run lap after lap, practice kick after kick. I was working myself to the bone and my body ached every day, sometimes to the point I wasn't sure I could make it up the stairs.

When I took that break to go on the retreat, I finally started to feel better. My muscles hurt less and I wasn't so tired anymore. But when I started back up again after the trip, I went right back to square one. It was worse this time. I was sneakier, because I knew it I wasn't careful I would get caught again. So I continued forcing myself to stay after practice, but decided to go to different location so no one would find out. I also would make up fake schedules so Harry and Liam wouldn't be wondering where I was.

I was doing what I wanted to, and it was working. I should have been happy, I guess. But I was so fucking exhausted, not just from the exercise but from hiding it from everyone. Maybe Liam was right. Maybe I just had to stop, as much as it pained me.