I Hate You (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Author's Commentary

Thank you all again so much for reading. As I conclude this story, I just wanted to leave a final author's note explaining some of the themes of the story and why I arranged things the way I did. 

Anorexia & Self Harm: I started off this story knowing Louis would struggle with anorexia. What I didn't anticipate was Harry's self harm. That sort of came about as I was trying to find a common ground between the two characters, who were at odds with each other during the initial parts of the story. Anorexia in itself is a form of self harm, though it's more internal than it is external. Harry and Louis were able to connect over their mental health issues and the mental torture that came along with it, and that's when Louis stopped hating Harry so much. Because suddenly, he saw a much softer side of him and realized Harry was the only one who understood what he was going through since he'd been through it himself.

I chose these two mental illnesses because they sort of mirror each other. Anorexia, which I struggled with for many years, tends to manifest from the inside out; as does self harm. The people who are struggling with these diseases don't want to starve themselves or hurt themselves, but the pain and torment inside them is so great that it seems like the only way out. While Louis used starvation to gain a sense of control and escape reality, Harry would cut himself to "numb out." They're both coping mechanisms, very dangerous ones at that. And they're also very addictive, which is why it took so long for the boys to recover. 

Recovery & Relapse: I wanted to make this story as realistic as possible, showing every up and down that takes place during the recovery process. In previous anorexia stories I've written, I often had the character go off to rehab and come back "better." However, I wasn't fully portraying the experience. The reality is that you don't just recover and get better just from getting treatment and there's a high chance for relapses along the way. Louis and Harry both relapsed time and time again and even towards the end of the story they were never 100% over their illness. 

It has been said that those negative thoughts never really go away, but that you can learn to combat them and overcome them. That's what I've found in my personal experience as well and I think it's realistic to assume that Harry and Louis are definitely making progress in their recovery. However, recovery is an ongoing process, something that you have to work towards and fight for every single day. Some days are better than others. On some days, you're so carefree you don't even think about your illness. But others are not so easy.

Tattoos: Louis' tattoo is a very important symbol at the end of this story. He got the National Eating Disorder Awareness sign tattooed on his wrist. The tattoo is permanent, just like the negative thoughts that will forever be with him. But the tattoo represents strength and reminds him that no matter how bad it gets, he can overcome it. The same is true of Harry's tattoo on his forearm that says "Strong." It reminds him he always has a choice and that he can overcome whatever life throws in his path.

Harry's Abusive Relationship:  I wanted us to sympathize more with Harry, which is why I created the character Eliza. Based entirely on the premise of the "Kiwi" lyrics, Eliza is sort of a mix between Taylor Swift and Camille or whatever other blonde beard exists out there. She is rude, manipulative, toxic and homophobic. However, Eliza is manipulative and is able to act loving and appreciative when she wants to. Harry is so blinded by his fear of abandonment that he chooses to stay with her and chase after her again and again, opting to overlook the bad experiences with her and focus on the good one. It's only when Eliza begins to withhold his child from him that he realizes how awful she really is.

Unfortunately, because of James, Eliza is a permanent fixture in the story, and both Louis and Harry must deal with her time and time again. I hated her as a character, I hated writing her. But she did influence the plot and move the story along, which is why I kept her around. 

Harry's Borderline Diagnosis: I originally didn't plan for this, but one of my lovely friends pointed out to me that Harry was showing signs of borderline throughout the story. He feared abandonment and was afraid to be single, he engaged in self sabotage (bullying Louis so he couldn't even have him if he tried), and went through mood swings (hence, his fights with Louis). Self harm is also a major symptom of the disorder, so it really made sense in the end that he might have it. 

However, despite all of his issues, I really tried my best to make Harry the more resilient character in the story, at least in the first half. He had his own problems at hand, but he was strong enough to help Louis the best he could. Harry always knew the right things to say to Louis when he was struggling, and maybe he was a little too perfect in that sense. I basically turned Harry into the support system I wish I had when I was ill, and made his dialogue include all of the things I wish people had said to me. 

Liam and Niall: Liam and Niall were Louis and Harry's trusty best friends. They were so supportive through the entire story and helped the boys with everything from getting jobs to going through breakups to babysitting. Though they meant well, they didn't always know what to say or truly understand what Louis was going through. When Liam said that Louis shouldn't be in a relationship and that Harry shouldn't touch him (based on things he read in an information pamphlet), I was showing an example of how ignorant some people can be in regards to mental illness. In that moment, he was talking about Louis like he was nothing more than a diagnosis, and that's not how you want to talk to patients. Luckily, he learned with time how to approach the issue and treat Louis right. 

I tried my best to develop Liam and Niall as much as I could, but I didn't have much time as Larry was taking up most of the story. Liam was able to move on from his toxic relationship with Zayn and found a new boyfriend Andres, though he struggled with confidence at times. Niall was pretty stable throughout the story and eventually started dating a girl, but I never really got into it. 

Liam and Niall's business firm was rather interesting to write about as I worked in a similar setting for some time. I used to write marketing pitches and create campaigns just like Louis and Harry, so I decided to just throw that in there. 

Bullying: Most of my other stories were tales of Louis and Harry falling in love, which is cute and wonderful. But I wanted to try something different in this story. Rather than starting them off as being into each other, I wanted to begin with a negative relationship that eventually turned into something positive. The story came full circle, where Harry was simultaneously the one who broke Louis and the one who helped support him as he healed. I can only hope I did that difficult journey justice. 

What to read next: 

Thank you so much for reading! I have a few recommendations that you might want to check out if you liked this:

"Broken Symphony" by SullenFairy

"Wilted Flowers" by SullenFairy

"Beneath the Midnight Sky" by SullenFairy

"Fading" by Toothemoonmydear 

"The Boy with the Blue Balloon" by Fortheloveof1d

These are all really well written Larry stories that deal with eating disorders and mental health issues. Their accuracy and attention to detail are incredible. 

Lastly, I hate to self-plug, but if you want to read more from me, I recommend "Let me Show You How to Love Yourself" or "Together." In the former, Harry struggles with anorexia and depression and the latter features Louis' battles with the disease within the context of a breakup. 

Also, if you want to.... please check out my latest story: "Undercover." This one is more of a romantic thriller/mystery than anything else. It's Larry (of course) and it's about Harry's experience going undercover and moving to a small town after being kidnapped and threatened.  In the small town, he meets Louis - who is desperate to learn more about him - and the rest is history.

Anyways, thank you all so, so much for your love and support. You mean more to me than works can describe. Feel free to message me with any questions, concerns, or just talk. 

Best wishes to everyone,

Sam