a hell called home (completed)

a letter to someone who means a lot to you

mrs. cooper's pov

i walked into class that day with a smile plastered on my face. honestly, i felt pretty damn tired, but i was glad to see all the kids.

i taught english all throughout the day until homeroom. i was grading some papers while each of the kids walked in. i didn't notice at first, because he was so quiet, but max was the first to come in. i glimpsed up for a second to see him writing something down with his earbuds in. now that i think about it, he always had his earbuds in outside of class.

then i remembered what happened a few days before. was he really okay? was he lying to me? it just seemed like there was something bothering him... like he was always on edge. and when you mentioned certain things he would shift around in his seat a bit. or whenever kids talked about family things, his face changed ever so slightly for just a moment. i mean, he was just a kid. it could have been anything.

i looked around the classroom at all of the other kids. i don't know why... there was just something about max. something off. something different. not like difference is a bad thing, it was just noticeable.

i looked back down at the papers i was grading. god, why did i have to give out homework? i looked through the huge stack of papers to see if there were any no-names. sometimes i could decipher which kid wrote it. that's when i noticed a paper with the name 'Max' at the top.

was he really in one of my classes? shit, im such a terrible teacher. now that i think about it... he was in my fifth hour english class. he just never raised his hand or spoke. he also sat in the way back. i looked at the paper.

the assignment was to write a letter to someone who means a lot to you.

dear mom,
ever since you died, life has been pretty shit. well, that was until summer camp. i wish you could have been there for it. i met two kids who are now my friends, i guess. and also a few others. one of them actually goes to my school. don't worry, mom, im safe now. i recently got adopted by my camp counselor, david. he's a really nice guy, but he can never know i said that. i miss you a lot... i know that the whole 'bright lights' thing was fake and all but... i wish i were with you. i wish you would come back.

much love,
max

i looked up from the letter and at max. he was still writing in a small notebook. i felt something on my face and thought it was a bug, so i went to slap it. then i realized, i was actually crying. great...

i wiped my face off.
i don't know what to say...
what do you say to something like that?
i tried to continue grading, but all that could run through my mind was max.
poor kid...
he's only in seventh grade and—

max's pov

i walked into class with my head down and earbuds in. i sat down at my desk, as per usual. today in particular, i don't know why, but i felt like total shit. gwen told me that when she gets upset about stuff, she writes it down. maybe i should give it a try.

i pull out my small notebook that i always carry with me. what do i even write?

i don't know why i am writing this, but i just am. this is the first time, so bear with me please. today, i just feel like total fucking shit. i woke up from a nightmare last night around 4am and couldn't fall back asleep. i almost cut again... but after everything... i cant risk it. and i was clean for so long. i just ruined it. ugh i ruin everything... why am i so terrible? why am i like this?

i could feel my throat start to burn and choke up a bit. i swallowed it down, took a deep breath and looked around. i looked up at mrs. cooper's desk. was she... crying? i started to write again.

my teachers crying now. for some reason, i feel like it's my fault. usually everything is my fault. god, i'm such a failure. all of my friends probably hate me. they do.

i look up again and see my teacher rubbing her eyes. maybe i should say something? i pause for a second, still debating it in my mind.

fuck it.

i drop my pencil on my desk and decide to go up.

"hey, um.... are you... okay?" i say, barely getting the words out.
she rubbed her eyes and plastered on a smile.
"why, yes. yes i am. and, are you okay, max?"
i pause.
"mmmyeah. m'fine." i mumble.
she looked at me, unconvinced. i rolled my eyes and started to walk away. then i remembered a conversation adam and i were having yesterday.

ye ol flashback

adam looked up from his phone. "you know, you could always just... i don't know, ask for help?"
max shook his head. "history is so stupid. there isn't a point to any of this. and anyway, i hate asking for help."
"in what way?" adam said. he seemed interested.
max hesitated for a second, but he felt comfortable around adam.
"i just... never really had help before until really recently... and i hate it."
adam sat there, silent, but obviously listening. waiting for more. max sighed and continued.
"listen, let's just say i didn't have what you call a... nice childhood? nobody ever offered me any help. i don't need it. i've always been fine on my own."
"well, you don't seem fine to me." adam sighed out.
silence.
"yeah, well... i am. fuck off and go back to your game." max huffed out.

back to class

i turned back around.
god dammit adam. fucking stupid ass bitch. putting this bullshit in my head. i'm fine. i don't need anyone. i'm fine.

maybe you're not so fine, though.

mrs. cooper was still staring at me.

"why don't you see me after school? i run a tutoring group with some kids who need some extra help. we can talk then." she said, still looking at me.

i sighed.

"sure."