Uneven {Lams}

Chapter Sixteen

John Pov
I fell back on my bed with a sigh. I took my midterms today and I feel like literal shit.

And I'm angry with Alex.
He didn't do anything, but I'm fucking pissed.

He makes me..
makes me feel things I fucking hate that. I've never liked the whole 'yAy fOr gAy' thing but I never got upset about it, you know? But I've never liked that part of me. Never.

The thing is, it..
it feels right and I hate that it does.
I hate that it feels good to look at Alex and go, 'Damn.'

I sighed, bringing my hands to my face. I want death.

And I know it's not good to hate yourself but I grew up being taught to hate it. So I..
I hated it.

I'm not sure if I still do, considering Alex really brings that part of me, that part with emotions, to the light.

I love him, I do.
Just..
I don't know how to show it.

I put one hand on my desk, blinding searching for a tennis ball. My hand found it, and once I did, I was throwing it up to ceiling on a never ending repeat.

"Ay, Cool it, would you?"
Alex called from across the dorm.

"Fuck off ginger!"
I shouted.

It was quiet and then my door swung open and Alex was leaning on the doorframe.

"Who pissed in your cereal?"
He asked.

You.
You did.

"Midterms,"
I said angrily, throwing the tennis ball, a bit more vigorously.

"Yeah, that's great pal, but could you..shut the fuck up? I'm trying to do shit," Alex said.

"Does it look like I care?"
I asked.

"Fuck, you've hurt my feelings. How will I ever sleep at night?" Alex asked sarcastically.

"You're an insomniac with anxiety, I think my snarky comments will be the least of your worries." I said.

"Okay, ouch, that one hurt. And I don't have anxiety dipshit." He muttered.

"Yeah I'm not a half wit, like some people." I said.

"Hold up,"
Alex said, walking from my room.

I furrowed my eyebrows, only slightly caring if he was going to come back or not. My main focus was he left the god damn door open.

He came back, wiping his glasses on his shirt. He put them on and said,
"Huh. I still can't see who the fuck you were snapping at, because I don't see any half wits in here." Alex said.

I rolled my eyes, catching the tennis ball and throwing it at him.

"Out of my room.
Close the door.
Let me be depressed in peace."
I said, almost in a deadpan.

"Fine,"
Alex huffed, closing the door.

I rolled over, sighing and wiping my face. I don't know what's worse, being awkward around him, or avoiding him. Avoiding him. That's definitely worse. I can't help it if I do though. I..
have a tendency to push people away.

But then again I live with him so there's not much I can do to push him away there. And I have to admit, going with him to do weird ass shit is pretty fun.

I slowly slumped out of my bed, (careful not to hit my head..again) and went to turn off the light.

My eyes adjusted quickly, as I blinked a few times. I took off my jacket and shirt, stumbling a bit as I pulled off my pants. I collapsed in my bed, grabbing my phone and checking the time.

Ten thirty.

I can't tell you the last time I've slept, so if this counts as going to bed early then I will accept the offer with open arms. I heard a few things clatter across from the other side of the dorm and I sighed, hoping Alex would shut up so I could actually get a good nights sleep.

I yawned, pulling my blanket up, sighing afterwards.

I started thinking about ever stupid thing I've done since I've been able to talk, physically cringing on a few memories.

I hate college.
I hate Alex.
I hate myself.
I hate life.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get my brain to shut the hell up and go to sleep already. I just want..
what do I want?

God, I sound like a fucking psycho.

I groaned, wiping my nose.
I wonder how I did on that test.
If I get anything below a 'C'  I will literally flip a fucking truck.

I can't fail this class.
With graduation next year?
I just can't.

I felt good about it but I've learned not to get my hopes up. Why am I so depressing today? Maybe it's just not my day I guess.

I bit the inside of my cheek, wondering if Alex was upset with me.

Why should I care?
I don't care.
I do.

Damn it Hamilton.