Uneven {Lams}

Chapter Thirty Seven

Alexander Pov
Bitch. He's a bitch and I do not love him. I also do not love trains because that is where I stopped loving him. Whatever, his loss. I haven't officially broken up with him but once he comes back, I will.

No doubt.

None. Not..at all. 

Okay, okay. Either we can work it out or stay as friends because it'll be hella awkward if we end on a bad note and still have to..you know..live with each other. Or one of us could move out. Is it really worth it?

Yes. It is.

I don't know where he went after we came home. If he's having a one-night stand, would it technically be cheating since we haven't broken up yet? I think it would be. I don't know, I guess I'm just looking for a reason to not be in the fault anymore.

I didn't even tell his sister anything! I don't know why it's so big of a deal. He told his brother, didn't he? Besides, his sister seemed like she knew how to keep a secret. It's not like she's going to go running around and shouting, 'John Laurens is a homosexual!' Besides even if she did, I think most people would laugh and clap rather than ridicule.

Johns the one who's got his panties in a wad, not me. I think what's best, right now, it's for both of us to steam off and not do anything yet. We're both irrationally angry. There, I admitted..since Laur is too much of a damn coward too.

Jeez, that was harsh. He's not a coward. Whatever, I'm going to be irrationally angry and steam off until we actually talk again. Maybe we could have a serious talk in like, a week?

I don't fuckin' know, I never had 'talks' with my past girlfriends. I mean, I argued with them and- Wait, did I just compare John to my old girlfriends? Of course it's going to be different! He's not a girl! I can't compare those two experiences to each other, can I? I really can't. I can't really compare John to anything, in all honesty. He's just different in general. And he's definitely not a girl. He doesn't even- ugh, that was so fucking stupid. Can I erase thoughts?

Jesus.

The two things I promise I will not do: 1. Makeup sex. 2. Kill him. Murder should be on the list, just saying. That's important too. We'll figure it out or we'll break up. That's..not that bad.

People just have to do that sometimes when they aren't right for each other. But being with John feels so right! Is this really my fault? Or are both of us blowing the whole thing out of proportion? I hope it's the second one. But why does he always feel like I'm lying to him?

Get it though your head J., I'm not a pathological liar.

I think my worst quality is constantly stepping on people to get what I want..hey, it works. That's doesn't justify it but still. It almost justifies it.
I veered a little off topic, whoops.

It'll all be alright in the end wether we split or not. If we do split, it's probably for the best. 

I really don't want to break up though. I don't think he truly wants to either. But I don't know what happens in his head which is infuriating.

Fuck it.

I pulled on my coat and boats, walking to the door. I grabbed my scarf and wrapped it around my neck and walked out my dorm and through the hall. I gave a short wave to a guy who walked past who gave a small nod.

I sighed softly, pushing the door and walking outside. I wandered about on campus for a while, people watching.

I eventually found myself on the bench in front of a fountain, settling there and rubbing my cold, tinting red hands together. I knew my face was flushed. I tugged up my scarf a little to hide it.

I looked up as snow slowly fell.

The cold is alright. I always get sick though. Maybe I'll get class time off. Fuck, I'll still have to make it up.

I went through my coat pocket for a moment, adjusting my scarf again and pulling out a lighter and cigarette. I clicked the lighter a few times before it worked, lighting my cigarette.

With this scenery, someone to lean on would be wonderful. I listened to the water of the fountain, the small patter as the snowflakes fell onto the last layer of snow. The warm feeling from my cigarette made it feel better. I let out a small puff of smoke.

Someone to lean on, huh?
Where's John when I need him?