Wicked Games (book one)

67

song for chapter:
already gone - sleeping at last
| we were always meant to say goodbye |
(highly recommend + put on repeat)

jaylee's pov
2:30am.

red and blue lights flashed in every single direction, lighting up the entire city. police officers called for back up, reeling in more officers than needed because they have nothing better to do.

my face felt stiff from the dried tears that covered my cheeks. my eyes were glued to the floor and haven't moved for ten minutes.

the blanket that the fire man had brought me was thick, and the outside air was pretty warm, yet my entire body felt like it was on the verge of freezing.

I don't want to believe it, but the reality is that it's my fault. it's all my fault.

I am the reason that cesar is dead, and ethan is possibly going to lose his life.

if I wouldn't have called ethan, he wouldn't be on a stretcher right now while the paramedics fight for his life.

I don't even know what condition he's in. they pulled me away from him and sat me in the back of this fire truck across the street from where everything happened.

his heart could stop beating at any second and I won't even know, I won't be there with him because they won't let me near him.

if I could have just refused to let my emotions get to me and not have called ethan, none of this would have happened tonight.

I made that phone call. I made him feel guilty enough to come talk to me. his life is on my hands, and I'm going insane.

if it weren't for me, cesar wouldn't be dead.

cesar risked his life for ethan, and he paid the cost of that.

he knows sammy hates ethan, yet he died taking a bullet for him. and now if ethan doesn't make it, then cesar died for nothing.

cesar risked his life for ethan because he knows that I love him.

I haven't talked to cesar in months, he hasn't even crossed my mind in months for that matter, and here he is taking a bullet so that I can be happy.

I deserve nothing, but absolute shit.

ethan tried to shove the gun out of sammy's hands to protect me. all he's ever done is protect me. even if it hurt me, he always made sure that I was safe.

he protected me from sammy, even though he knew I would be heartbroken. he protected me from getting shot tonight, knowing that he could die if he did.

that was a risk he was willing to take.

it was supposed to be me, I should be in his position while he's safe sitting in the back of a fire truck.

my mind feels like it's completely blank and my heart feels like there is nothing inside of it. I can't even describe it, it's like my life is on pause. everything is just blank.

if his life gets taken from him, I truly don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

guilt will be weighing me down the rest of my life knowing that I'm the reason grayson is going to have no family left, knowing that osman is going to lose someone he loves, and knowing that I am the reason he's gone.